Is it a lie if you don't elaborate the truth??

I've been struggling with this for the past few days. Would it be a lie if you told the truth but not the whole truth? I mean nothing that came out of my mouth was a lie, I just thought it would be best to withhold the rest of the information. ---Why you may ask? Because....

This situation is not an easy one... it's more of an awkward one. If I tell the truth I can almost guarantee that I'll lose this friend again. Not because the truth is a bad thing but because it would make an already awkward situation... well... more awkward. But I feel like I'm withholding something I should say. So do I step out of my comfort zone, again per say, wear my heart on my sleeve, have that confidence that I have in my dreams and say the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God -OR- do I save my heartache, our friendship, and the feelings of others by living a lie?

It's a tough call because now I'm starting to wonder about the "what-ifs." What if I did tell the WHOLE truth and it didn't ruin the friendship? Would I feel better or worse about the situation if I just said everything I've needed to say for a really long time? I guess in some way I have been lying... maybe to this friend or maybe just to myself, trying to convince myself that either way is a good way to go. But I'm sure the friend would agree that it is better this way... leaving the whole truth out of it. We've been through it before and the truth got me to a point of regret, sadness, and our friendship in the pits. Do I really want to take that chance again? Do we become more understanding as we get older? I would hope so but wouldn't bet on it when it comes to this.

I guess now the real question that I'm asking myself is... is it a real friendship or not? I've been reevaluating the past few years and I think I'm realizing that who this person was a friend years ago left when they threw away our friendship the first time. I've been wanting that friend back but we've both gotten older, things in our lives have changed and we are not the same people. Still though-- You try to be a good person, put yourself out there as a friend, you open doors, you welcome them in, you make the effort, and sometimes you feel like you are the ONLY one taking those steps to make it all work and they take advantage of that when they want to, otherwise you're just another acquaintance to them-- maybe I'm wrong and this is just how they are but I haven't seen them stepping forward. I never had an expectation with our friendship but they have always made it seem like they thought I have. If ever even been given the chance to tell the whole truth the FIRST time they would understand that... but we were young and I don't think understanding was in this persons top priorities at the time.... Or listening skills weren't their forte because I tried explaining it all then. Only if I had the guts enough to say this to them... but again, its an awkward situation and I don't want to make it more of that.... whether it seems intentional or not-- and they would most likely take it as intentional.

I just feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard spot. Either I continue to lie to this "friend" for the sake of both of our feelings so that no one gets hurt, or I say it all and pray that God leads my choice of words, the friends choice of words, and both of hearts all back to Him so that it can be an honest God-centered friendship. I don't want to live with regret but I also don't want to live without this friend, whether they drive me insane with their lack of friendshiply skills or not.

Todays discovery: I thought I already knew life wasn't easy... but this just reassures the fact that I know that even in the smallest petty of situations- its not. UGH.

A pain in the neck... literally

The past few weekends I've woke up having this horrible horrible headache, starting in my neck and just taking over my whole head. It usually happens on Sundays, the day I spend mostly at home on the weekends. Last weekend I just stayed on my couch in misery all day trying to figure out why it wouldn't go away. Today, I got out and just tried dealing with it.

5 minutes down the road and it was gone. Hours of being headache free and I finally come back home. 5 minutes into being home and its back. WHAT IS IT!!!!!! I've felt emotional and alone the past few weeks. I want to be at home but I don't want to be by myself. I want to go out but don't want to go out alone. I don't know what it is. If people are here I'm fine. If I'm somewhere with someone I'm fine. If I'm here alone, headache. If I'm out alone, headache. Is it really the pain of loneliness? Or the stress I'm mounting on myself of every thing I need to be doing and being here alone just allows me to be reminded of that stress and those things?

I've never been one who likes to be a loner even though through high school, middle school, and elementary school I always felt that way. Honestly, if it wouldn't of been for my church friends and my cousins I would of really been a loner. I guess now that I've gotten older I still feel like that. Sometimes it feels like everyone around me has someone and I'm still alone. And I'm not just referring to a relationship. It has nothing to do with that. I mean they all just have someone there. I spend work in a quiet office with no one hardly ever there and then I come home to an empty apartment. It seems like I go days without human interaction. And everyone wonders why I always wanna be doing something with someone... who would want to come home to an apartment everyday and go to a solo job every morning? Maybe I need a dog....

This is just ramble of my emotions at the moment. It's not that moment of doubt, just that moment of needing to remind myself I really am not alone ( i have friends their all just busy, i have family but they have lives too), I do have something to look forward to in life (God has a plan for me, its just not going on my time and I need to work more on my patience), and I don't need pity (trust me, I don't want anyone helping me drag this out haha). I just need a few seconds for my spat of feelings then move on with everything. Only if the pain in my neck would go with it... literally.

So seriously head/neck ache....GO AWAY!!!!

Why can't you define who you are on your own...

Maybe this is because I've come to peace with being with just myself... but I've noticed how much other people are looking to each other to define who they are. That they can't live life, be happy, be themselves unless they are consumed in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Why though??? Why must we have someone else define who we are when all it really is doing is hiding what we are meant to be?

I've struggled with this a lot throughout the years. It's always felt like a pressure to have to be in a relationship, all because everyone else is doing it. For some it gives them confidence. They've become the "big man on campus" because they finally got a girl. For some its winning the game. "Can't win anywhere else, but once I have that guy/girl I'll be the biggest winner of all." Then it turns into "I won the prize and now its time to move onto the next game." For some it makes them feel beautiful. "He tells me I'm perfect... that no girl will ever compare." But then he breaks your heart and you find out that every girl has heard "that no girl will ever compare." For some its to fill a void of what has been lost (not just physically but emotionally too)... a friend, a family member, someone you really did love. Rebound sound familiar in this case?

I'm probably making this out to be a harsh reality, like I've been hurt one to many times so I don't believe in love or that being alone forever is where I want to be but don't be construed by the words above. I defiantly believe in love. I'm madly in love already. And I don't want to be alone forever, in fact I'm not alone now. I'm just in love and in the presence of something different than what everyone else out there is "searching" for. You can define who you are on your own, but it's not a path many of us want to take. We're afraid of what we might find out about ourselves along that journey. It's easier to be someone were not and let the judgment from someone else give us our definition. It is always nice to have someone along for the ride but so many seem to be choosing the wrong one. It's like when you lose your keys. You search high and low to find them and of course they are no where to be found. The moment you stop looking for them, they appear. I searched high and low to find someone to walk down that path of discovering who I am only to find that I wasn't finding anyone, including myself. The moment I stopped searching He walked up, grabbed my hand, and is leading me on journey no friend, family member or guy could ever take me down.

Along the way I've let go of a lot. I had packed my bags to full for this trip and the heavier they were the more tired I was becoming. You hit a point of wanting to give up, to just be done with it. What's left out there if I'm doing this alone!?! "So much is left out there for you my child, so much! And you're not alone! I am with you always! Now lets lighten this load you're dragging behind you and walk together." Those words ring over and over in my head every time I feel alone in this. I set out with one to many bags of just junk, and now I'm carrying nothing but my cross. And I'm not doing it alone! I've found everything that the term "searching" wasn't giving me and I didn't have to search at all. I just had to have faith. And to know that I can be me by God's definition, instead of someone else, is so much more worth it.

So what the love of my life doesn't curl up with me to watch movies, take me out to dinner, or buy me pretty things... He does wrap me in His arms, catches my tears, hears my unspoken cries, knows every hair on my head and showed His love for me by dying on a cross. You really want to try to compare that to what any guy/girl is going to give you?

Fall in love with the Lord first. Let that be your love story. Let Him be there with you so you're not alone. And once you've experienced that, a go round with every first available won't be necessary to find what "meant to be" is. God knows your happy ending... after all He is the one who wrote the book called "Your Life". Let the author do His job and write the way He wants to about His main character... you.

Oh take me out to the ball game...or the ocean??

Last night the family (all those related and those who I'm not related to but told I am) went to the Texas Rangers game. Oh baseball... the great American pass time. I have never understood why, but I will say I do enjoy the game. I might not be a sports buff and maybe the only way I know what's actually going on is by looking at the score board for an update, but still nonetheless I do enjoy a good game... until last night.

I just wanted a moment to rant about this because ooooohhhhh I was mad. Our seats were decent. I'm afraid of heights so sitting higher up does get me every time. But after 3 hours in one spot I tend to feel okay. 3 hours in that one spot last night though had me a little over the edge. Not the edge of the stadium of course.... but come on people!!! I understand at 16 we all think were the coolest thing since sliced bread and ice cream cones, but do we really need to wear our hair that big?? I mean yes, we do live in Texas, and EVERYTHING is bigger here... but I thought big hair went out a long time ago. For the first time I was actually interested in watching what was going on at home plate and who was up to bat... but I couldn't see ANYTHING because macho-dude in front of me thought it'd be cool to kill the universe and use as much hair product as he possibly could to get a wave going. Shouldn't all of us as fans be doing that around the 7th inning? Your hair made up for our silly baseball traditions dude, so thanks for that! OH...And yes, I did say he. The 16 year old with big hair was a HE. Bestie told me it wasn't just the hair... that he did have a big head too. Probably came from that ego he was carrying around with him.

Honestly though... here's how I see it: If you're going to come to a game and you want to wear your hair that high either 1. Watch the game. I would of been ok with your hair/head blocking my view of the game if you would of actually watched the game and been interested in it instead of hitting on your girlfriend who obviously wasn't into PDA the whole time. OR 2. Buy two tickets because I'm pretty sure that hair of yours could of counted for 2 people. OR 3. Bring a surf board so who ever is sitting behind you can hang 10 while everyone else enjoys the game, because we all know I didn't get to see any of it anyways. Would of been nice and a common courtesy to provide me some entertainment since you took away the entertainment I paid to see.

Kids.... big hair is not in... no matter how cool you think you are... Big hair just ruins the night for the people (short people at that) who sadly get stuck behind you. Remember that for the rest of your lives!!!! Geesh.... the things parents forget to teach their children these days.

Importance of Community, New Orleans 2002

It was the summer before my Sophomore year of high school. Me and few members from our church went to New Orleans (pre Katrina) for a missions trip. I had never been on one before and didn't know what to expect. Only 5 of us from the youth went, and only 4 of us really knew each other. I was so nervous being so far from home doing something I had never done before, but if it wouldn't had been for this experience I don't think I would have the desire to do this of which has been on my heart from the day this picture was taken.

We were in New Orleans for about a week. We did a lot of things and went a lot places while we there. I don't remember exactly what day in the schedule this picture was taken but I do remember exactly what we were doing. That morning we were told that we were going to go spend some time at the projects... Well wait.... FIRST... let me set the stage for you.

When we first arrived in New Orleans we met up with another group from Arkansas. A member from a sister church of ours down there met up with us to lead us into the part of New Orleans we were staying in. It was about early evening or so as we drove into town. We were all so excited to finally be there after SOOOOO many hours of being in a car. We drove over the bridge and into the area we were staying. Whats the first thing we see?? A massive group of people all crowded around the outside of an apartment building (in the projects) and cops bringing guys out in hand cuffs. Not the most comforting sight. Where we staying?? Oh... maybe 5 or so minutes from this area. I was scared out of my mind. I don't think I was the only one too. The guys that came along with us I think we're having their fair share of shaking in their boots moments too. We heard sirens all night... and this was the area we were going to be doing missions in???

So back to the day of that picture.... Now that the stage has been set and you know where we are staying. That morning we were told we were going to spend some time in the projects. The first thing that popped into my head was that image of all that was happening on the first day while driving in. I was a nervous wreck! I wasn't ready to die! (So immature of me to be thinking like that but hey I was only 14 at the time) When we arrived, a group went out to knock on doors to let people know we would be down in the common area around the apartments and if the kids wanted to come and play they were more than welcome. We didn't come with anything fabulous (just some bouncy balls, bubbles, things of that sort which I find ABSOLUTELY fabulous but I'm just different) but you would of thought these kids were on cloud 10! They surpassed cloud 9 in case you were wondering. I don't think it was so much the materialistic things we brought but more the meaningful things. We can with open and loving arms. We came with time to be spent solely on them. We came with no knowledge of who each of these children were. We were just ready and willing to love them to the max!!! The picture above was with the little girl I grew so attached to in just those few moments. You can see a corner of a small face at the bottom of the picture too. I look at this picture and it melts my heart every time I see that smile of hers. We weren't doing anything big and special... just time in the community which turned out to be the most important thing. TIME. It's such a small word but can mean SO much to someone. We might have made an impact for a moment that day, but she made an impact on me for a life time.

Ever since that day I've wanted to continue that moment. That moment of community that was shared. It's always been on my heart but was never anything I sought after doing. Now I'm seeking. I'm spending time in prayer asking God to lead me to the right place, the right people, the right communities for this. You must first receive love to be able to give love. I have received the utmost abundance of love from our Lord and I want to share it. I want to give love to those who haven't received so that they may be able to give that same love to someone else some day. Right now this all just a prayer but is becoming more realistic. Community love is so important. Loving your neighbor is so important. It's all a work in progress but I'm hoping someday soon being able to go from community to community and share moments like this picture above will be possible. I don't want anything from it. I've already been given everything I need including the air I breathe from the Lord most high. Now I want to share that because it is not my own, but that of His.

'Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.' The second command is this: 'Love your neighbor as you love yourself.' There are no commands more important than these. Mark 12:30-31

You wanna piece of me??

"You wanna piece of me??"

Every time I hear those words I hear my grandpas voice in his ...whats left of a Brooklyn accent... and then the loud "Ehhhhh??" he puts after it. You hear someone say that and you think of them putting up the fist ready to fight...defend themselves. I've been saying those words a lot lately but not in that way. My "You wanna piece of me??" is more of a "Hey come take what you want... you wanna piece of my heart?? Well here ya go!" Instead of putting up my defense and protecting myself, I open my arms and say go for it!

Stupid stupid stuuuuupid idea.

Now I'm asking myself... "WHAT on earth were you thinking!?!?!"

Where is my heart now I wonder... probably in some distant land. I've given pieces of it away so many times that I'm sure its just traveled all around. I don't like to say I'm living with regret but in a way I am.

I know... I know... you're thinking "how do you just kinda live with regret... its either you do or you don't..."

Here's the deal... I regret one thing and one thing only. Giving my heart to so many who I should of known weren't the ones meant for it... when I should of been giving it to God to make it pure and whole so it will be ready to give to the right one. I don't want to end up giving a heart that's in pieces. I don't want to end up with it sitting on shelf all tattered and frayed... scarred and worn... barely beating anymore. I don't want to put a cast on it and pretend that its getting better underneath. I want it actually healed. I want it whole. I want it pure. I want it to be Gods to put in the right place...

At the right time...

With the right person.

Then it hit me... If you want a piece of me... GO THROUGH GOD FIRST!!! He has my heart and if that's what you're looking for, you must first be seeking Him and He rightfully gets to make the decision whether or not this is the right thing. After all... I am His and He is in control... right? If it's what I truly believe then it's what I need to be truly living.

And for the millionth time... I give back the control. And the only one I want having every piece of me is Him.

A Joyful Noise...

"Come, let's sing for joy to the Lord. Let's shout praises to the Rock who saves us. Let's come to him with thanksgiving. Let's sing songs to him, because the Lord is the great God, the great King over all gods." Psalm 95:1-3

Last night I once again had the opportunity to join up with thousand of others at the American Airlines Center for the Rock and Worship Roadshow. It still amazes me every time I go... that that many people would spend $10 each to come in to listen to Christian bands and praise God with thousands of others. I've blogged before about how important I feel that is to pray together. Worship to me seems just that much more important. I do believe in time spent alone with God... way more than I do doing it together... but there is something special about all God's people coming together to make a joyful noise for Him. It so humbling to see and watch and know that every single person in that place is somewhere different in their life... some might have not even wanted to be there but they still came... some might not of been believers.... some might have been living a life that didn't exalt our Lord but still made it a point to be there.... He brought every one of those people there for a reason and to think that we were all there because God had a reason for us is such a beautiful thing. To think that He took the time to make a way for each of those to get there. To think that He took the time to make it something for each of us in some way... Oh how amazing is our God. That He has the time for so many but yet it still feel so personal with Him. How can you deny His love? How can you deny Him? After He sent His one and only Son for us to die up on that cross. You don't have to be a church goer... that doesn't make you a Christian. Being a Christian is a relationship. It's something you live not something you do. And as they said last night... and this hit me just the way God needed it to hit me... When you fall in love with someone, you never stop talking about them... you consume yourself in that love. It's not something you want to do... it just comes natural. When you fall in love with Jesus ... going out and doing it "right" isn't something you just want to do... it just happens because you are consumed in Him, you are in love with Him.

The most amazing moment last night... Bart from Mercy Me led us in Amazing Grace a'capella. The first verse the entire stadium sang together, second verse the ladies, and then again the first verse just the men that time. It was the most beautiful sound. We didn't have to be the best singers, but it still made the most breath taking noise... it still made a joyful noise for the Lord.