The past few weekends I've woke up having this horrible horrible headache, starting in my neck and just taking over my whole head. It usually happens on Sundays, the day I spend mostly at home on the weekends. Last weekend I just stayed on my couch in misery all day trying to figure out why it wouldn't go away. Today, I got out and just tried dealing with it.
5 minutes down the road and it was gone. Hours of being headache free and I finally come back home. 5 minutes into being home and its back. WHAT IS IT!!!!!! I've felt emotional and alone the past few weeks. I want to be at home but I don't want to be by myself. I want to go out but don't want to go out alone. I don't know what it is. If people are here I'm fine. If I'm somewhere with someone I'm fine. If I'm here alone, headache. If I'm out alone, headache. Is it really the pain of loneliness? Or the stress I'm mounting on myself of every thing I need to be doing and being here alone just allows me to be reminded of that stress and those things?
I've never been one who likes to be a loner even though through high school, middle school, and elementary school I always felt that way. Honestly, if it wouldn't of been for my church friends and my cousins I would of really been a loner. I guess now that I've gotten older I still feel like that. Sometimes it feels like everyone around me has someone and I'm still alone. And I'm not just referring to a relationship. It has nothing to do with that. I mean they all just have someone there. I spend work in a quiet office with no one hardly ever there and then I come home to an empty apartment. It seems like I go days without human interaction. And everyone wonders why I always wanna be doing something with someone... who would want to come home to an apartment everyday and go to a solo job every morning? Maybe I need a dog....
This is just ramble of my emotions at the moment. It's not that moment of doubt, just that moment of needing to remind myself I really am not alone ( i have friends their all just busy, i have family but they have lives too), I do have something to look forward to in life (God has a plan for me, its just not going on my time and I need to work more on my patience), and I don't need pity (trust me, I don't want anyone helping me drag this out haha). I just need a few seconds for my spat of feelings then move on with everything. Only if the pain in my neck would go with it... literally.
So seriously head/neck ache....GO AWAY!!!!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Why can't you define who you are on your own...
Maybe this is because I've come to peace with being with just myself... but I've noticed how much other people are looking to each other to define who they are. That they can't live life, be happy, be themselves unless they are consumed in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Why though??? Why must we have someone else define who we are when all it really is doing is hiding what we are meant to be?
I've struggled with this a lot throughout the years. It's always felt like a pressure to have to be in a relationship, all because everyone else is doing it. For some it gives them confidence. They've become the "big man on campus" because they finally got a girl. For some its winning the game. "Can't win anywhere else, but once I have that guy/girl I'll be the biggest winner of all." Then it turns into "I won the prize and now its time to move onto the next game." For some it makes them feel beautiful. "He tells me I'm perfect... that no girl will ever compare." But then he breaks your heart and you find out that every girl has heard "that no girl will ever compare." For some its to fill a void of what has been lost (not just physically but emotionally too)... a friend, a family member, someone you really did love. Rebound sound familiar in this case?
I'm probably making this out to be a harsh reality, like I've been hurt one to many times so I don't believe in love or that being alone forever is where I want to be but don't be construed by the words above. I defiantly believe in love. I'm madly in love already. And I don't want to be alone forever, in fact I'm not alone now. I'm just in love and in the presence of something different than what everyone else out there is "searching" for. You can define who you are on your own, but it's not a path many of us want to take. We're afraid of what we might find out about ourselves along that journey. It's easier to be someone were not and let the judgment from someone else give us our definition. It is always nice to have someone along for the ride but so many seem to be choosing the wrong one. It's like when you lose your keys. You search high and low to find them and of course they are no where to be found. The moment you stop looking for them, they appear. I searched high and low to find someone to walk down that path of discovering who I am only to find that I wasn't finding anyone, including myself. The moment I stopped searching He walked up, grabbed my hand, and is leading me on journey no friend, family member or guy could ever take me down.
Along the way I've let go of a lot. I had packed my bags to full for this trip and the heavier they were the more tired I was becoming. You hit a point of wanting to give up, to just be done with it. What's left out there if I'm doing this alone!?! "So much is left out there for you my child, so much! And you're not alone! I am with you always! Now lets lighten this load you're dragging behind you and walk together." Those words ring over and over in my head every time I feel alone in this. I set out with one to many bags of just junk, and now I'm carrying nothing but my cross. And I'm not doing it alone! I've found everything that the term "searching" wasn't giving me and I didn't have to search at all. I just had to have faith. And to know that I can be me by God's definition, instead of someone else, is so much more worth it.
So what the love of my life doesn't curl up with me to watch movies, take me out to dinner, or buy me pretty things... He does wrap me in His arms, catches my tears, hears my unspoken cries, knows every hair on my head and showed His love for me by dying on a cross. You really want to try to compare that to what any guy/girl is going to give you?
Fall in love with the Lord first. Let that be your love story. Let Him be there with you so you're not alone. And once you've experienced that, a go round with every first available won't be necessary to find what "meant to be" is. God knows your happy ending... after all He is the one who wrote the book called "Your Life". Let the author do His job and write the way He wants to about His main character... you.
I've struggled with this a lot throughout the years. It's always felt like a pressure to have to be in a relationship, all because everyone else is doing it. For some it gives them confidence. They've become the "big man on campus" because they finally got a girl. For some its winning the game. "Can't win anywhere else, but once I have that guy/girl I'll be the biggest winner of all." Then it turns into "I won the prize and now its time to move onto the next game." For some it makes them feel beautiful. "He tells me I'm perfect... that no girl will ever compare." But then he breaks your heart and you find out that every girl has heard "that no girl will ever compare." For some its to fill a void of what has been lost (not just physically but emotionally too)... a friend, a family member, someone you really did love. Rebound sound familiar in this case?
I'm probably making this out to be a harsh reality, like I've been hurt one to many times so I don't believe in love or that being alone forever is where I want to be but don't be construed by the words above. I defiantly believe in love. I'm madly in love already. And I don't want to be alone forever, in fact I'm not alone now. I'm just in love and in the presence of something different than what everyone else out there is "searching" for. You can define who you are on your own, but it's not a path many of us want to take. We're afraid of what we might find out about ourselves along that journey. It's easier to be someone were not and let the judgment from someone else give us our definition. It is always nice to have someone along for the ride but so many seem to be choosing the wrong one. It's like when you lose your keys. You search high and low to find them and of course they are no where to be found. The moment you stop looking for them, they appear. I searched high and low to find someone to walk down that path of discovering who I am only to find that I wasn't finding anyone, including myself. The moment I stopped searching He walked up, grabbed my hand, and is leading me on journey no friend, family member or guy could ever take me down.
Along the way I've let go of a lot. I had packed my bags to full for this trip and the heavier they were the more tired I was becoming. You hit a point of wanting to give up, to just be done with it. What's left out there if I'm doing this alone!?! "So much is left out there for you my child, so much! And you're not alone! I am with you always! Now lets lighten this load you're dragging behind you and walk together." Those words ring over and over in my head every time I feel alone in this. I set out with one to many bags of just junk, and now I'm carrying nothing but my cross. And I'm not doing it alone! I've found everything that the term "searching" wasn't giving me and I didn't have to search at all. I just had to have faith. And to know that I can be me by God's definition, instead of someone else, is so much more worth it.
So what the love of my life doesn't curl up with me to watch movies, take me out to dinner, or buy me pretty things... He does wrap me in His arms, catches my tears, hears my unspoken cries, knows every hair on my head and showed His love for me by dying on a cross. You really want to try to compare that to what any guy/girl is going to give you?
Fall in love with the Lord first. Let that be your love story. Let Him be there with you so you're not alone. And once you've experienced that, a go round with every first available won't be necessary to find what "meant to be" is. God knows your happy ending... after all He is the one who wrote the book called "Your Life". Let the author do His job and write the way He wants to about His main character... you.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Oh take me out to the ball game...or the ocean??
Last night the family (all those related and those who I'm not related to but told I am) went to the Texas Rangers game. Oh baseball... the great American pass time. I have never understood why, but I will say I do enjoy the game. I might not be a sports buff and maybe the only way I know what's actually going on is by looking at the score board for an update, but still nonetheless I do enjoy a good game... until last night.
I just wanted a moment to rant about this because ooooohhhhh I was mad. Our seats were decent. I'm afraid of heights so sitting higher up does get me every time. But after 3 hours in one spot I tend to feel okay. 3 hours in that one spot last night though had me a little over the edge. Not the edge of the stadium of course.... but come on people!!! I understand at 16 we all think were the coolest thing since sliced bread and ice cream cones, but do we really need to wear our hair that big?? I mean yes, we do live in Texas, and EVERYTHING is bigger here... but I thought big hair went out a long time ago. For the first time I was actually interested in watching what was going on at home plate and who was up to bat... but I couldn't see ANYTHING because macho-dude in front of me thought it'd be cool to kill the universe and use as much hair product as he possibly could to get a wave going. Shouldn't all of us as fans be doing that around the 7th inning? Your hair made up for our silly baseball traditions dude, so thanks for that! OH...And yes, I did say he. The 16 year old with big hair was a HE. Bestie told me it wasn't just the hair... that he did have a big head too. Probably came from that ego he was carrying around with him.
Honestly though... here's how I see it: If you're going to come to a game and you want to wear your hair that high either 1. Watch the game. I would of been ok with your hair/head blocking my view of the game if you would of actually watched the game and been interested in it instead of hitting on your girlfriend who obviously wasn't into PDA the whole time. OR 2. Buy two tickets because I'm pretty sure that hair of yours could of counted for 2 people. OR 3. Bring a surf board so who ever is sitting behind you can hang 10 while everyone else enjoys the game, because we all know I didn't get to see any of it anyways. Would of been nice and a common courtesy to provide me some entertainment since you took away the entertainment I paid to see.
Kids.... big hair is not in... no matter how cool you think you are... Big hair just ruins the night for the people (short people at that) who sadly get stuck behind you. Remember that for the rest of your lives!!!! Geesh.... the things parents forget to teach their children these days.
I just wanted a moment to rant about this because ooooohhhhh I was mad. Our seats were decent. I'm afraid of heights so sitting higher up does get me every time. But after 3 hours in one spot I tend to feel okay. 3 hours in that one spot last night though had me a little over the edge. Not the edge of the stadium of course.... but come on people!!! I understand at 16 we all think were the coolest thing since sliced bread and ice cream cones, but do we really need to wear our hair that big?? I mean yes, we do live in Texas, and EVERYTHING is bigger here... but I thought big hair went out a long time ago. For the first time I was actually interested in watching what was going on at home plate and who was up to bat... but I couldn't see ANYTHING because macho-dude in front of me thought it'd be cool to kill the universe and use as much hair product as he possibly could to get a wave going. Shouldn't all of us as fans be doing that around the 7th inning? Your hair made up for our silly baseball traditions dude, so thanks for that! OH...And yes, I did say he. The 16 year old with big hair was a HE. Bestie told me it wasn't just the hair... that he did have a big head too. Probably came from that ego he was carrying around with him.
Honestly though... here's how I see it: If you're going to come to a game and you want to wear your hair that high either 1. Watch the game. I would of been ok with your hair/head blocking my view of the game if you would of actually watched the game and been interested in it instead of hitting on your girlfriend who obviously wasn't into PDA the whole time. OR 2. Buy two tickets because I'm pretty sure that hair of yours could of counted for 2 people. OR 3. Bring a surf board so who ever is sitting behind you can hang 10 while everyone else enjoys the game, because we all know I didn't get to see any of it anyways. Would of been nice and a common courtesy to provide me some entertainment since you took away the entertainment I paid to see.
Kids.... big hair is not in... no matter how cool you think you are... Big hair just ruins the night for the people (short people at that) who sadly get stuck behind you. Remember that for the rest of your lives!!!! Geesh.... the things parents forget to teach their children these days.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Importance of Community, New Orleans 2002
It was the summer before my Sophomore year of high school. Me and few members from our church went to New Orleans (pre Katrina) for a missions trip. I had never been on one before and didn't know what to expect. Only 5 of us from the youth went, and only 4 of us really knew each other. I was so nervous being so far from home doing something I had never done before, but if it wouldn't had been for this experience I don't think I would have the desire to do this of which has been on my heart from the day this picture was taken.
We were in New Orleans for about a week. We did a lot of things and went a lot places while we there. I don't remember exactly what day in the schedule this picture was taken but I do remember exactly what we were doing. That morning we were told that we were going to go spend some time at the projects... Well wait.... FIRST... let me set the stage for you.
When we first arrived in New Orleans we met up with another group from Arkansas. A member from a sister church of ours down there met up with us to lead us into the part of New Orleans we were staying in. It was about early evening or so as we drove into town. We were all so excited to finally be there after SOOOOO many hours of being in a car. We drove over the bridge and into the area we were staying. Whats the first thing we see?? A massive group of people all crowded around the outside of an apartment building (in the projects) and cops bringing guys out in hand cuffs. Not the most comforting sight. Where we staying?? Oh... maybe 5 or so minutes from this area. I was scared out of my mind. I don't think I was the only one too. The guys that came along with us I think we're having their fair share of shaking in their boots moments too. We heard sirens all night... and this was the area we were going to be doing missions in???
So back to the day of that picture.... Now that the stage has been set and you know where we are staying. That morning we were told we were going to spend some time in the projects. The first thing that popped into my head was that image of all that was happening on the first day while driving in. I was a nervous wreck! I wasn't ready to die! (So immature of me to be thinking like that but hey I was only 14 at the time) When we arrived, a group went out to knock on doors to let people know we would be down in the common area around the apartments and if the kids wanted to come and play they were more than welcome. We didn't come with anything fabulous (just some bouncy balls, bubbles, things of that sort which I find ABSOLUTELY fabulous but I'm just different) but you would of thought these kids were on cloud 10! They surpassed cloud 9 in case you were wondering. I don't think it was so much the materialistic things we brought but more the meaningful things. We can with open and loving arms. We came with time to be spent solely on them. We came with no knowledge of who each of these children were. We were just ready and willing to love them to the max!!! The picture above was with the little girl I grew so attached to in just those few moments. You can see a corner of a small face at the bottom of the picture too. I look at this picture and it melts my heart every time I see that smile of hers. We weren't doing anything big and special... just time in the community which turned out to be the most important thing. TIME. It's such a small word but can mean SO much to someone. We might have made an impact for a moment that day, but she made an impact on me for a life time.
Ever since that day I've wanted to continue that moment. That moment of community that was shared. It's always been on my heart but was never anything I sought after doing. Now I'm seeking. I'm spending time in prayer asking God to lead me to the right place, the right people, the right communities for this. You must first receive love to be able to give love. I have received the utmost abundance of love from our Lord and I want to share it. I want to give love to those who haven't received so that they may be able to give that same love to someone else some day. Right now this all just a prayer but is becoming more realistic. Community love is so important. Loving your neighbor is so important. It's all a work in progress but I'm hoping someday soon being able to go from community to community and share moments like this picture above will be possible. I don't want anything from it. I've already been given everything I need including the air I breathe from the Lord most high. Now I want to share that because it is not my own, but that of His.
'Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.' The second command is this: 'Love your neighbor as you love yourself.' There are no commands more important than these. Mark 12:30-31
Thursday, April 29, 2010
You wanna piece of me??
"You wanna piece of me??"
Every time I hear those words I hear my grandpas voice in his ...whats left of a Brooklyn accent... and then the loud "Ehhhhh??" he puts after it. You hear someone say that and you think of them putting up the fist ready to fight...defend themselves. I've been saying those words a lot lately but not in that way. My "You wanna piece of me??" is more of a "Hey come take what you want... you wanna piece of my heart?? Well here ya go!" Instead of putting up my defense and protecting myself, I open my arms and say go for it!
Stupid stupid stuuuuupid idea.
Now I'm asking myself... "WHAT on earth were you thinking!?!?!"
Where is my heart now I wonder... probably in some distant land. I've given pieces of it away so many times that I'm sure its just traveled all around. I don't like to say I'm living with regret but in a way I am.
I know... I know... you're thinking "how do you just kinda live with regret... its either you do or you don't..."
Here's the deal... I regret one thing and one thing only. Giving my heart to so many who I should of known weren't the ones meant for it... when I should of been giving it to God to make it pure and whole so it will be ready to give to the right one. I don't want to end up giving a heart that's in pieces. I don't want to end up with it sitting on shelf all tattered and frayed... scarred and worn... barely beating anymore. I don't want to put a cast on it and pretend that its getting better underneath. I want it actually healed. I want it whole. I want it pure. I want it to be Gods to put in the right place...
Then it hit me... If you want a piece of me... GO THROUGH GOD FIRST!!! He has my heart and if that's what you're looking for, you must first be seeking Him and He rightfully gets to make the decision whether or not this is the right thing. After all... I am His and He is in control... right? If it's what I truly believe then it's what I need to be truly living.
And for the millionth time... I give back the control. And the only one I want having every piece of me is Him.
Every time I hear those words I hear my grandpas voice in his ...whats left of a Brooklyn accent... and then the loud "Ehhhhh??" he puts after it. You hear someone say that and you think of them putting up the fist ready to fight...defend themselves. I've been saying those words a lot lately but not in that way. My "You wanna piece of me??" is more of a "Hey come take what you want... you wanna piece of my heart?? Well here ya go!" Instead of putting up my defense and protecting myself, I open my arms and say go for it!
Stupid stupid stuuuuupid idea.
Now I'm asking myself... "WHAT on earth were you thinking!?!?!"
Where is my heart now I wonder... probably in some distant land. I've given pieces of it away so many times that I'm sure its just traveled all around. I don't like to say I'm living with regret but in a way I am.
I know... I know... you're thinking "how do you just kinda live with regret... its either you do or you don't..."
Here's the deal... I regret one thing and one thing only. Giving my heart to so many who I should of known weren't the ones meant for it... when I should of been giving it to God to make it pure and whole so it will be ready to give to the right one. I don't want to end up giving a heart that's in pieces. I don't want to end up with it sitting on shelf all tattered and frayed... scarred and worn... barely beating anymore. I don't want to put a cast on it and pretend that its getting better underneath. I want it actually healed. I want it whole. I want it pure. I want it to be Gods to put in the right place...
At the right time...
With the right person.
Then it hit me... If you want a piece of me... GO THROUGH GOD FIRST!!! He has my heart and if that's what you're looking for, you must first be seeking Him and He rightfully gets to make the decision whether or not this is the right thing. After all... I am His and He is in control... right? If it's what I truly believe then it's what I need to be truly living.
And for the millionth time... I give back the control. And the only one I want having every piece of me is Him.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
A Joyful Noise...
"Come, let's sing for joy to the Lord. Let's shout praises to the Rock who saves us. Let's come to him with thanksgiving. Let's sing songs to him, because the Lord is the great God, the great King over all gods." Psalm 95:1-3
Last night I once again had the opportunity to join up with thousand of others at the American Airlines Center for the Rock and Worship Roadshow. It still amazes me every time I go... that that many people would spend $10 each to come in to listen to Christian bands and praise God with thousands of others. I've blogged before about how important I feel that is to pray together. Worship to me seems just that much more important. I do believe in time spent alone with God... way more than I do doing it together... but there is something special about all God's people coming together to make a joyful noise for Him. It so humbling to see and watch and know that every single person in that place is somewhere different in their life... some might have not even wanted to be there but they still came... some might not of been believers.... some might have been living a life that didn't exalt our Lord but still made it a point to be there.... He brought every one of those people there for a reason and to think that we were all there because God had a reason for us is such a beautiful thing. To think that He took the time to make a way for each of those to get there. To think that He took the time to make it something for each of us in some way... Oh how amazing is our God. That He has the time for so many but yet it still feel so personal with Him. How can you deny His love? How can you deny Him? After He sent His one and only Son for us to die up on that cross. You don't have to be a church goer... that doesn't make you a Christian. Being a Christian is a relationship. It's something you live not something you do. And as they said last night... and this hit me just the way God needed it to hit me... When you fall in love with someone, you never stop talking about them... you consume yourself in that love. It's not something you want to do... it just comes natural. When you fall in love with Jesus ... going out and doing it "right" isn't something you just want to do... it just happens because you are consumed in Him, you are in love with Him.
The most amazing moment last night... Bart from Mercy Me led us in Amazing Grace a'capella. The first verse the entire stadium sang together, second verse the ladies, and then again the first verse just the men that time. It was the most beautiful sound. We didn't have to be the best singers, but it still made the most breath taking noise... it still made a joyful noise for the Lord.
Last night I once again had the opportunity to join up with thousand of others at the American Airlines Center for the Rock and Worship Roadshow. It still amazes me every time I go... that that many people would spend $10 each to come in to listen to Christian bands and praise God with thousands of others. I've blogged before about how important I feel that is to pray together. Worship to me seems just that much more important. I do believe in time spent alone with God... way more than I do doing it together... but there is something special about all God's people coming together to make a joyful noise for Him. It so humbling to see and watch and know that every single person in that place is somewhere different in their life... some might have not even wanted to be there but they still came... some might not of been believers.... some might have been living a life that didn't exalt our Lord but still made it a point to be there.... He brought every one of those people there for a reason and to think that we were all there because God had a reason for us is such a beautiful thing. To think that He took the time to make a way for each of those to get there. To think that He took the time to make it something for each of us in some way... Oh how amazing is our God. That He has the time for so many but yet it still feel so personal with Him. How can you deny His love? How can you deny Him? After He sent His one and only Son for us to die up on that cross. You don't have to be a church goer... that doesn't make you a Christian. Being a Christian is a relationship. It's something you live not something you do. And as they said last night... and this hit me just the way God needed it to hit me... When you fall in love with someone, you never stop talking about them... you consume yourself in that love. It's not something you want to do... it just comes natural. When you fall in love with Jesus ... going out and doing it "right" isn't something you just want to do... it just happens because you are consumed in Him, you are in love with Him.
The most amazing moment last night... Bart from Mercy Me led us in Amazing Grace a'capella. The first verse the entire stadium sang together, second verse the ladies, and then again the first verse just the men that time. It was the most beautiful sound. We didn't have to be the best singers, but it still made the most breath taking noise... it still made a joyful noise for the Lord.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Day 59
It's been 59 days since you walked out that door and I fell to floor in tears. It's been 56 days since I last heard your voice, saw your face, looked in your eyes, held your hand, felt you close. It's been 25 days since I've had any response in contact from you. It's been 7 days since I last tried to be your friend. It's been 3 nights since I've been able to sleep. It's been 2 hours since I last cried about you. And its been 0 seconds since I last thought about you.
I can say I'm ok all I want... that this is ok. I can get up, put a smile on my face, walk out the door and live this life and no one even know a thing is wrong. Truth is though, I've gotten really good at pretending. Truth is... this is not ok. And the real truth is... I'm not ok. Sunday night I met up with a friend and we drove somewhere in my car together. Place we left her car? It just happened to be the last place I saw you... the exact spot that we stood saying good bye. I dropped her back off that night at her car. It was dark outside just like it was that night... parking lot was half empty just like it was that night. I drove out there with that same "this is the worse thing I've ever done" feeling in the pit of my stomach. I set there getting ready to turn out of the parking lot just like I did that night and looked in my rear view mirror and the only thing I could still see was your car still sitting there. 2 months later and the only thing I ever see when I look in my rear view mirror is your car, the guilt of leaving that parking lot, the feeling of never wanting to let go of you.
I miss you so much that its killing me inside. I sit here at night on my couch and its like a movie just playing in front of me. I see us still laughing in the kitchen making a mess with chocolate, you trying to take pictures of me when you think I'm not looking, trying to prove that I'm not stronger than you by pushing my hands and making me slide across the floor. I can hear you making fun of all my house shoes, singing all those silly songs that you knew would get stuck in my head and drive me crazy, trying to convince me fish eggs won't kill me, telling me "I know I don't have to, but I want to." I miss everything about you. You were my best friend.
I still remember the day I told you I missed you. You were out of town for work. I had already ditched a phone call with you because I was trying to watch movies but texting was ok because I could still pay attention. You said something about being able to read my mind or that I was so predictable. I told you to predict what it was that I was thinking... you guessed for hours. It was so cute. You never would of predicted that it was that I missed you. You had waited so long to hear me say that to you again. I had never stopped missing you, I was just scared to tell you. Those times you would fall asleep during a movie, I would just sit there and look at you. I would memorize every inch of you face so when you weren't here I could see it in my mind. I always knew I would miss you when you weren't here, I just never thought I would have to miss you like this.
When I said I missed you, I said it because it's what I felt and I meant it. When I said I cared about you it was because I cared about you more than you would ever know. When I said I love you, I said it because my heart had never felt love like that before and I wanted nothing more than to shout to the whole world. It took me so long to get to where we were. I had never been so happy. I never wanted to stop smiling. I still got chills every time you held my hand, I still felt all the blood rush to my face when you looked at me, my stomach went into flutters every single time you kissed me. Not once did I not feel any of that. It was every time.
At this point, you had become so much apart of my life, apart of me, apart of my heart... that I don't even feel like I'm living my life anymore. It doesn't feel like my life without you in it. You were apart of it... and it's been ripped away. Tears stream down my face all the time. To think I'll never hear your voice again, give you hard time about the how great the Mavs are doing, just be able to pick up the phone and call you or text you for no reason... It's like you died. The hardest part... I know you're somewhere alive and well and there isn't a thing I can do about it.
I wish you could hear me... I wish you believed in how much I miss you... how much I love you. But you won't even listen anymore. To think about my life with anyone else but you feels wrong. To think about any other guy, I feel guilty. You still so much have my heart and I don't know if I'll ever get that back. I just wish I still had yours.
I can say I'm ok all I want... that this is ok. I can get up, put a smile on my face, walk out the door and live this life and no one even know a thing is wrong. Truth is though, I've gotten really good at pretending. Truth is... this is not ok. And the real truth is... I'm not ok. Sunday night I met up with a friend and we drove somewhere in my car together. Place we left her car? It just happened to be the last place I saw you... the exact spot that we stood saying good bye. I dropped her back off that night at her car. It was dark outside just like it was that night... parking lot was half empty just like it was that night. I drove out there with that same "this is the worse thing I've ever done" feeling in the pit of my stomach. I set there getting ready to turn out of the parking lot just like I did that night and looked in my rear view mirror and the only thing I could still see was your car still sitting there. 2 months later and the only thing I ever see when I look in my rear view mirror is your car, the guilt of leaving that parking lot, the feeling of never wanting to let go of you.
I miss you so much that its killing me inside. I sit here at night on my couch and its like a movie just playing in front of me. I see us still laughing in the kitchen making a mess with chocolate, you trying to take pictures of me when you think I'm not looking, trying to prove that I'm not stronger than you by pushing my hands and making me slide across the floor. I can hear you making fun of all my house shoes, singing all those silly songs that you knew would get stuck in my head and drive me crazy, trying to convince me fish eggs won't kill me, telling me "I know I don't have to, but I want to." I miss everything about you. You were my best friend.
I still remember the day I told you I missed you. You were out of town for work. I had already ditched a phone call with you because I was trying to watch movies but texting was ok because I could still pay attention. You said something about being able to read my mind or that I was so predictable. I told you to predict what it was that I was thinking... you guessed for hours. It was so cute. You never would of predicted that it was that I missed you. You had waited so long to hear me say that to you again. I had never stopped missing you, I was just scared to tell you. Those times you would fall asleep during a movie, I would just sit there and look at you. I would memorize every inch of you face so when you weren't here I could see it in my mind. I always knew I would miss you when you weren't here, I just never thought I would have to miss you like this.
When I said I missed you, I said it because it's what I felt and I meant it. When I said I cared about you it was because I cared about you more than you would ever know. When I said I love you, I said it because my heart had never felt love like that before and I wanted nothing more than to shout to the whole world. It took me so long to get to where we were. I had never been so happy. I never wanted to stop smiling. I still got chills every time you held my hand, I still felt all the blood rush to my face when you looked at me, my stomach went into flutters every single time you kissed me. Not once did I not feel any of that. It was every time.
At this point, you had become so much apart of my life, apart of me, apart of my heart... that I don't even feel like I'm living my life anymore. It doesn't feel like my life without you in it. You were apart of it... and it's been ripped away. Tears stream down my face all the time. To think I'll never hear your voice again, give you hard time about the how great the Mavs are doing, just be able to pick up the phone and call you or text you for no reason... It's like you died. The hardest part... I know you're somewhere alive and well and there isn't a thing I can do about it.
I wish you could hear me... I wish you believed in how much I miss you... how much I love you. But you won't even listen anymore. To think about my life with anyone else but you feels wrong. To think about any other guy, I feel guilty. You still so much have my heart and I don't know if I'll ever get that back. I just wish I still had yours.
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