Day 59

It's been 59 days since you walked out that door and I fell to floor in tears. It's been 56 days since I last heard your voice, saw your face, looked in your eyes, held your hand, felt you close. It's been 25 days since I've had any response in contact from you. It's been 7 days since I last tried to be your friend. It's been 3 nights since I've been able to sleep. It's been 2 hours since I last cried about you. And its been 0 seconds since I last thought about you.

I can say I'm ok all I want... that this is ok. I can get up, put a smile on my face, walk out the door and live this life and no one even know a thing is wrong. Truth is though, I've gotten really good at pretending. Truth is... this is not ok. And the real truth is... I'm not ok. Sunday night I met up with a friend and we drove somewhere in my car together. Place we left her car? It just happened to be the last place I saw you... the exact spot that we stood saying good bye. I dropped her back off that night at her car. It was dark outside just like it was that night... parking lot was half empty just like it was that night. I drove out there with that same "this is the worse thing I've ever done" feeling in the pit of my stomach. I set there getting ready to turn out of the parking lot just like I did that night and looked in my rear view mirror and the only thing I could still see was your car still sitting there. 2 months later and the only thing I ever see when I look in my rear view mirror is your car, the guilt of leaving that parking lot, the feeling of never wanting to let go of you.

I miss you so much that its killing me inside. I sit here at night on my couch and its like a movie just playing in front of me. I see us still laughing in the kitchen making a mess with chocolate, you trying to take pictures of me when you think I'm not looking, trying to prove that I'm not stronger than you by pushing my hands and making me slide across the floor. I can hear you making fun of all my house shoes, singing all those silly songs that you knew would get stuck in my head and drive me crazy, trying to convince me fish eggs won't kill me, telling me "I know I don't have to, but I want to." I miss everything about you. You were my best friend.

I still remember the day I told you I missed you. You were out of town for work. I had already ditched a phone call with you because I was trying to watch movies but texting was ok because I could still pay attention. You said something about being able to read my mind or that I was so predictable. I told you to predict what it was that I was thinking... you guessed for hours. It was so cute. You never would of predicted that it was that I missed you. You had waited so long to hear me say that to you again. I had never stopped missing you, I was just scared to tell you. Those times you would fall asleep during a movie, I would just sit there and look at you. I would memorize every inch of you face so when you weren't here I could see it in my mind. I always knew I would miss you when you weren't here, I just never thought I would have to miss you like this.

When I said I missed you, I said it because it's what I felt and I meant it. When I said I cared about you it was because I cared about you more than you would ever know. When I said I love you, I said it because my heart had never felt love like that before and I wanted nothing more than to shout to the whole world. It took me so long to get to where we were. I had never been so happy. I never wanted to stop smiling. I still got chills every time you held my hand, I still felt all the blood rush to my face when you looked at me, my stomach went into flutters every single time you kissed me. Not once did I not feel any of that. It was every time.

At this point, you had become so much apart of my life, apart of me, apart of my heart... that I don't even feel like I'm living my life anymore. It doesn't feel like my life without you in it. You were apart of it... and it's been ripped away. Tears stream down my face all the time. To think I'll never hear your voice again, give you hard time about the how great the Mavs are doing, just be able to pick up the phone and call you or text you for no reason... It's like you died. The hardest part... I know you're somewhere alive and well and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

I wish you could hear me... I wish you believed in how much I miss you... how much I love you. But you won't even listen anymore. To think about my life with anyone else but you feels wrong. To think about any other guy, I feel guilty. You still so much have my heart and I don't know if I'll ever get that back. I just wish I still had yours.