Never goodbye...

I know I've mentioned before that all I want is understanding some time... I over think... A LOT. As where most of my post tend to come from... me over thinking. But just when I think I had it all figured out I'm thrown for the biggest loop of it all. Now its my fault? Like... seriously? Because that was never made known to me. I guess the question of today is "How are you supposed to know you are doing something wrong if no one points it out to you?"

I've had friendships in the past that the easiest thing about them was just letting them go... letting them fade. You never had to say why... you just stop calling, stop texting, stop talking. No reason is ever given. If asked, then yes... I would explain but aren't some things just better left unsaid? Eh... depends on who you are asking. Why can't the same common courtesy be given to me though? If I ask "What happened here... how did we get to this point?" you would think the other person would know right? Especially if you really were the problem... or maybe they were the problem and they just can't admit it. Now I'm just rambling as I normally do. But if I ask... its because I really want to know. How can 2 people invest so much time, so much heart, just... so much... into a friendship and then just not know what happened?? One of us knows and I think it is their right to inform the other if asked!! If the friendship is over... why keep on keeping secrets.

It's funny how you realize who your real friends are.. and who, the friends you thought were the real friends, really are. Some times it takes making major changes in your life to see who is good for you and who isn't. I hate to say that I'm in that spot right now... with more than 1 person. I've had to walk away from someone I really care about because I realized how much just their attitude was bringing me down and how much of an influence they were being on me. It sucks. I'll always be there for this person but it's different now... way different than before. And its not that they changed... I changed. I used to be able to deal with it because I was just like them... and I was miserable as that person. I don't want to go back to being them. I'll always love this person and I'll still always be a friend to them but it will never be the same. Sad thing is... I'm at that spot where just letting it fade is easier than telling them flat out.

And now here's where I'm the hypocrite....

With the other person, its the total opposite. They walked away from me... giving no reason. And after asking time and time again "what happened?" I get the words "maybe it's not always the other person in this Lex... something to think about." Really? Because I thought things were great till you up and walked away from me. I called you my best friend, I loved you, I put all I had into this... and that's what I get? Then it hit me... for them, walking away was the easiest part of that friendship... and all they wanted was easy... because when the tough gets going... then so do they... hightailing it the heck outta here. And there's your true colors... hmmm I thought something seemed off about everything between us. But after it all, I'm still here and I'll always be your friend despite what has happened. I'll always still love you and I'll always still care... and I hope you get the best life has to offer.

Ha... I write that like they are going to read it. Who knows... maybe they will. I don't want either of these to be goodbyes because goodbyes are too emotional... a "I'll see ya around sometime" works a lot better for me. But how can I be such a hypocrite? Am I taking the easy way out with the first friendship... I mean I think we both know that its kinda at that place and for the both of us, it might just be best to not talk about it. If they ever did ask, I would totally explain and like I said I'll still always be there but it will never be the same again. Person 2 told me they were walking away and they did just that. Had no reason to give... so they say. And then suddenly they have reasons, don't want to explain them, and its all my fault??

It hurts... and whether we call it the easy way out or not, none of it really easy or there isn't an easiest way out of it when you really think about it...

So... to 2 people who have meant more to me than I could ever express... You'll always be apart of my heart, and I'll always love you both... it will never be goodbye for us... and saying "see ya around" is not easy... but it is for the best.