You wanna piece of me??

"You wanna piece of me??"

Every time I hear those words I hear my grandpas voice in his ...whats left of a Brooklyn accent... and then the loud "Ehhhhh??" he puts after it. You hear someone say that and you think of them putting up the fist ready to fight...defend themselves. I've been saying those words a lot lately but not in that way. My "You wanna piece of me??" is more of a "Hey come take what you want... you wanna piece of my heart?? Well here ya go!" Instead of putting up my defense and protecting myself, I open my arms and say go for it!

Stupid stupid stuuuuupid idea.

Now I'm asking myself... "WHAT on earth were you thinking!?!?!"

Where is my heart now I wonder... probably in some distant land. I've given pieces of it away so many times that I'm sure its just traveled all around. I don't like to say I'm living with regret but in a way I am.

I know... I know... you're thinking "how do you just kinda live with regret... its either you do or you don't..."

Here's the deal... I regret one thing and one thing only. Giving my heart to so many who I should of known weren't the ones meant for it... when I should of been giving it to God to make it pure and whole so it will be ready to give to the right one. I don't want to end up giving a heart that's in pieces. I don't want to end up with it sitting on shelf all tattered and frayed... scarred and worn... barely beating anymore. I don't want to put a cast on it and pretend that its getting better underneath. I want it actually healed. I want it whole. I want it pure. I want it to be Gods to put in the right place...

At the right time...

With the right person.

Then it hit me... If you want a piece of me... GO THROUGH GOD FIRST!!! He has my heart and if that's what you're looking for, you must first be seeking Him and He rightfully gets to make the decision whether or not this is the right thing. After all... I am His and He is in control... right? If it's what I truly believe then it's what I need to be truly living.

And for the millionth time... I give back the control. And the only one I want having every piece of me is Him.

A Joyful Noise...

"Come, let's sing for joy to the Lord. Let's shout praises to the Rock who saves us. Let's come to him with thanksgiving. Let's sing songs to him, because the Lord is the great God, the great King over all gods." Psalm 95:1-3

Last night I once again had the opportunity to join up with thousand of others at the American Airlines Center for the Rock and Worship Roadshow. It still amazes me every time I go... that that many people would spend $10 each to come in to listen to Christian bands and praise God with thousands of others. I've blogged before about how important I feel that is to pray together. Worship to me seems just that much more important. I do believe in time spent alone with God... way more than I do doing it together... but there is something special about all God's people coming together to make a joyful noise for Him. It so humbling to see and watch and know that every single person in that place is somewhere different in their life... some might have not even wanted to be there but they still came... some might not of been believers.... some might have been living a life that didn't exalt our Lord but still made it a point to be there.... He brought every one of those people there for a reason and to think that we were all there because God had a reason for us is such a beautiful thing. To think that He took the time to make a way for each of those to get there. To think that He took the time to make it something for each of us in some way... Oh how amazing is our God. That He has the time for so many but yet it still feel so personal with Him. How can you deny His love? How can you deny Him? After He sent His one and only Son for us to die up on that cross. You don't have to be a church goer... that doesn't make you a Christian. Being a Christian is a relationship. It's something you live not something you do. And as they said last night... and this hit me just the way God needed it to hit me... When you fall in love with someone, you never stop talking about them... you consume yourself in that love. It's not something you want to do... it just comes natural. When you fall in love with Jesus ... going out and doing it "right" isn't something you just want to do... it just happens because you are consumed in Him, you are in love with Him.

The most amazing moment last night... Bart from Mercy Me led us in Amazing Grace a'capella. The first verse the entire stadium sang together, second verse the ladies, and then again the first verse just the men that time. It was the most beautiful sound. We didn't have to be the best singers, but it still made the most breath taking noise... it still made a joyful noise for the Lord.

Day 59

It's been 59 days since you walked out that door and I fell to floor in tears. It's been 56 days since I last heard your voice, saw your face, looked in your eyes, held your hand, felt you close. It's been 25 days since I've had any response in contact from you. It's been 7 days since I last tried to be your friend. It's been 3 nights since I've been able to sleep. It's been 2 hours since I last cried about you. And its been 0 seconds since I last thought about you.

I can say I'm ok all I want... that this is ok. I can get up, put a smile on my face, walk out the door and live this life and no one even know a thing is wrong. Truth is though, I've gotten really good at pretending. Truth is... this is not ok. And the real truth is... I'm not ok. Sunday night I met up with a friend and we drove somewhere in my car together. Place we left her car? It just happened to be the last place I saw you... the exact spot that we stood saying good bye. I dropped her back off that night at her car. It was dark outside just like it was that night... parking lot was half empty just like it was that night. I drove out there with that same "this is the worse thing I've ever done" feeling in the pit of my stomach. I set there getting ready to turn out of the parking lot just like I did that night and looked in my rear view mirror and the only thing I could still see was your car still sitting there. 2 months later and the only thing I ever see when I look in my rear view mirror is your car, the guilt of leaving that parking lot, the feeling of never wanting to let go of you.

I miss you so much that its killing me inside. I sit here at night on my couch and its like a movie just playing in front of me. I see us still laughing in the kitchen making a mess with chocolate, you trying to take pictures of me when you think I'm not looking, trying to prove that I'm not stronger than you by pushing my hands and making me slide across the floor. I can hear you making fun of all my house shoes, singing all those silly songs that you knew would get stuck in my head and drive me crazy, trying to convince me fish eggs won't kill me, telling me "I know I don't have to, but I want to." I miss everything about you. You were my best friend.

I still remember the day I told you I missed you. You were out of town for work. I had already ditched a phone call with you because I was trying to watch movies but texting was ok because I could still pay attention. You said something about being able to read my mind or that I was so predictable. I told you to predict what it was that I was thinking... you guessed for hours. It was so cute. You never would of predicted that it was that I missed you. You had waited so long to hear me say that to you again. I had never stopped missing you, I was just scared to tell you. Those times you would fall asleep during a movie, I would just sit there and look at you. I would memorize every inch of you face so when you weren't here I could see it in my mind. I always knew I would miss you when you weren't here, I just never thought I would have to miss you like this.

When I said I missed you, I said it because it's what I felt and I meant it. When I said I cared about you it was because I cared about you more than you would ever know. When I said I love you, I said it because my heart had never felt love like that before and I wanted nothing more than to shout to the whole world. It took me so long to get to where we were. I had never been so happy. I never wanted to stop smiling. I still got chills every time you held my hand, I still felt all the blood rush to my face when you looked at me, my stomach went into flutters every single time you kissed me. Not once did I not feel any of that. It was every time.

At this point, you had become so much apart of my life, apart of me, apart of my heart... that I don't even feel like I'm living my life anymore. It doesn't feel like my life without you in it. You were apart of it... and it's been ripped away. Tears stream down my face all the time. To think I'll never hear your voice again, give you hard time about the how great the Mavs are doing, just be able to pick up the phone and call you or text you for no reason... It's like you died. The hardest part... I know you're somewhere alive and well and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

I wish you could hear me... I wish you believed in how much I miss you... how much I love you. But you won't even listen anymore. To think about my life with anyone else but you feels wrong. To think about any other guy, I feel guilty. You still so much have my heart and I don't know if I'll ever get that back. I just wish I still had yours.

Never goodbye...

I know I've mentioned before that all I want is understanding some time... I over think... A LOT. As where most of my post tend to come from... me over thinking. But just when I think I had it all figured out I'm thrown for the biggest loop of it all. Now its my fault? Like... seriously? Because that was never made known to me. I guess the question of today is "How are you supposed to know you are doing something wrong if no one points it out to you?"

I've had friendships in the past that the easiest thing about them was just letting them go... letting them fade. You never had to say why... you just stop calling, stop texting, stop talking. No reason is ever given. If asked, then yes... I would explain but aren't some things just better left unsaid? Eh... depends on who you are asking. Why can't the same common courtesy be given to me though? If I ask "What happened here... how did we get to this point?" you would think the other person would know right? Especially if you really were the problem... or maybe they were the problem and they just can't admit it. Now I'm just rambling as I normally do. But if I ask... its because I really want to know. How can 2 people invest so much time, so much heart, just... so much... into a friendship and then just not know what happened?? One of us knows and I think it is their right to inform the other if asked!! If the friendship is over... why keep on keeping secrets.

It's funny how you realize who your real friends are.. and who, the friends you thought were the real friends, really are. Some times it takes making major changes in your life to see who is good for you and who isn't. I hate to say that I'm in that spot right now... with more than 1 person. I've had to walk away from someone I really care about because I realized how much just their attitude was bringing me down and how much of an influence they were being on me. It sucks. I'll always be there for this person but it's different now... way different than before. And its not that they changed... I changed. I used to be able to deal with it because I was just like them... and I was miserable as that person. I don't want to go back to being them. I'll always love this person and I'll still always be a friend to them but it will never be the same. Sad thing is... I'm at that spot where just letting it fade is easier than telling them flat out.

And now here's where I'm the hypocrite....

With the other person, its the total opposite. They walked away from me... giving no reason. And after asking time and time again "what happened?" I get the words "maybe it's not always the other person in this Lex... something to think about." Really? Because I thought things were great till you up and walked away from me. I called you my best friend, I loved you, I put all I had into this... and that's what I get? Then it hit me... for them, walking away was the easiest part of that friendship... and all they wanted was easy... because when the tough gets going... then so do they... hightailing it the heck outta here. And there's your true colors... hmmm I thought something seemed off about everything between us. But after it all, I'm still here and I'll always be your friend despite what has happened. I'll always still love you and I'll always still care... and I hope you get the best life has to offer.

Ha... I write that like they are going to read it. Who knows... maybe they will. I don't want either of these to be goodbyes because goodbyes are too emotional... a "I'll see ya around sometime" works a lot better for me. But how can I be such a hypocrite? Am I taking the easy way out with the first friendship... I mean I think we both know that its kinda at that place and for the both of us, it might just be best to not talk about it. If they ever did ask, I would totally explain and like I said I'll still always be there but it will never be the same again. Person 2 told me they were walking away and they did just that. Had no reason to give... so they say. And then suddenly they have reasons, don't want to explain them, and its all my fault??

It hurts... and whether we call it the easy way out or not, none of it really easy or there isn't an easiest way out of it when you really think about it...

So... to 2 people who have meant more to me than I could ever express... You'll always be apart of my heart, and I'll always love you both... it will never be goodbye for us... and saying "see ya around" is not easy... but it is for the best.

Power of prayer...

It's an amazing thing. There isn't anything that could or will ever be able to compare to what prayer can do.



I had some time with a mentor of mine today. We discussed a lot that had been on my mind and I'm becoming so much more honest about myself with myself. We got on the topic of relationships, whether it be romantic, family, or friend wise. This mostly applies to the romantic relational aspect of things though. After going through the go rounds of where I put my heart out on line before, my mentor asked me... "do you really know what you want in that future mate??, because it seems as if you've just been testing the waters." The funny part about it is... yeah I know exactly what I want but here's the sad part... I've always felt as if I didn't deserve it. I know someone who sets the example of exactly what God and I have talked about together but I feel like he deserves better than me. I feel as if he is so much more spiritually advanced than I am. So I've taken myself down to a level of what "I think" I deserve... not what God thinks.



I long so deeply to have that relationship with someone where we can share our passion for the Lord together. The guys I've dated... yeah they've been Christian... or at least claimed to be. But while talking about all this today I realized, every relationship I've been in has never been that relationship where we could sit down and pray together. I've prayed for every relationship I've been in, taken it to God and done my best to make Him center of it... but if he isn't doing the same then it all stays one sided. I was reading through the book of James today (it's my favorite so I tend to read it a lot) and I came across this verse:



"Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with." James 5:16



Praying together is just as important as praying separately. Praying for each other is SOOOO important. And a man that isn't afraid to pray out loud... ask for prayer... I find that as the most amazing quality. I long for that, to share that with the one God has molded me to be with. And I haven't found that. Maybe that's where I've been going wrong... I know every time I get into this that at that point when I know that prayer is not something that can easily be set out on the table and we take advantage of that opportunity together, that its not right... but I keep pushing for that. Why?? Because I think this is what I deserve... someone who claims to be all the Christian stuff, goes to church, has "some" morals... but doesn't act on them 24/7... their only a part time Christian. I can't do that. I'm at a point now where I'm not craving these worldly things but I crave the word of God, I crave to praise Him, worship Him, do for Him.... and if I can't share that with someone who is so much a part of my life that I could consider spending the rest of my life with them... then its not right. I deserve what God has planned for me... and I can't settle for less than that in this life.

I'm running this race... going for one prize and one prize only. And for this future guy... I pray he is running that race for the same prize and has that same desire.

Just another bump in the road...

Sadly, that's how I feel. Again I just became someone elses bump in the road. And once they kicked it back into gear, 4 wheel drive, however you want to put it, and move on down the road... I'm smashed back into that ground just a little more. I've asked myself over and over and over again "What is it? Why me? Why let the feelings get this far? Why let me fall to know that in the end I'm only going to end up here? Why God... just tell me why?" At this point, God is the only one who can give me those answers because I haven't gotten one from all those drivers that have just gotten over this bump in the road.

When does the understanding and the healing take place... I mean for real? I have the good days, the days of being over it.... but then all the unanswered questions begin to linger once again. Whats so wrong with me? Why does it have to be my heart again? Prayer after prayer I asked for guidance, I prayed to be directed the right way, I gave the control of my life to the Almighty, but still why? Believe me... this drive home today was not a pretty one between God and I. As much as I hate saying that, its the truth. I was so angry, still so hurt, still so broken. This porcelain heart can only be glued back together so many times until the glue just stops working all together.
I played one CD the whole 6 hours home today.... over and over and over. And one song by the end of this trip just seemed as if it was playing louder than all the rest every time it came on...

I know it seems

Like this could be

The darkest day you've known

But believe you me

The God of strength

Will never let you go

He will overcome, I know

And the arms that hold the universe

Are holding you tonight

You can rest inside

It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging sea

Is calling you His child

So be still and know He's in control

He will never let you go

Through many dangers, toils and snares

You have already come

His grace has brought you safe this far

(And) His grace will lead you home

And the arms that hold the universe

Are holding you tonight

You can rest inside

It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging sea

Is calling you His child

So be still and know He's in control

He will never let you go

You can hope, you can rise, you can stand

He has still got the whole world in His hands

You can hope, you can rise, you can stand

He's still got the whole world, the whole world in His hands

And the arms that hold the universe

Are holding you tonight

You can rest inside

It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging sea

Is calling you His child

So be still and know He's in control

He will never let you go

He will never let you go

(He's) Still got the whole world in His hands in His hands

Still got the whole world in His hands

(Arms That Hold the Universe - Fee)

How can I question Him... the one who can hold the entire universe in His hands, question the one who is in control?? He knows exactly what He's doing, how He's going to do it, when He's going to do it, and He knows I will make it through. I realized today... to all those I've just been another "bump in the road" to, you've become my sign of direction down a new path that just brings me closer back to Him. This porcelain heart belongs elsewhere... not in this world or to its worldly things. God's preparing me, molding me, and making me into the one I need to be... for myself, for Him, for this world, and someday for that special someone... and He will never let me go... He'll never get over me, give up on me, or go around me. I'll never be His bump in the road.

Taking on the small ones...

It's been put on my heart for awhile... and for once in my life, I feel like following my heart more than ever... stepping out of the box and going for it. After a few blogs ago about my little cousin and her being at the "impressionable" age, her and her sister have been on my mind constantly. And then after the sermon this week at church I have finally decided its something I desire so much to do... Minister to them. I've been so about "getting involved" lately but didn't know where to start. Then it hit me... like a ton of tons... I've had an open opportunity sitting right here staring me in the face for the longest of times.

I called both of them tonight and talked to them. I offered to them to start a bible study... just for girls. 2 Fridays a month they, and some of their friends, can come over eat dinner and we just talk and have a small bible study in the midst of the fun. I remember that meaning so much to me at their age. To have someone older than me want to take me in and spend time with me, wanna know me, be a positive influence on me. I thought I was hot stuff when that kinda thing came about. Being that age (6th-middle school age) was not easy for me. And I imagine it's not for them either. But one thing I have learned and that has stuck with me for so long is those were the years when I had those mentors, when I learned the most about what it means to be a daughter of our loving Lord. And I want them to walk away knowing how loved they are, how beautiful they are, that life isn't always easy but they always have someone there for them. It seems like heartbreaks start so much younger these days too... and I'm not here to try to prevent them (we all know I'm no good at it myself and we know that I can't make that happen...) but at least to help be a guide in how to handle it Christ like.

So... I'm asking all to keep me their prayers. That I might speak only His words, show only His actions, and be nothing but a reflection of Him to these girls as I take on their young hearts, young minds, and impressionable years. I'm excited to doing this, especially for 2 of the most special girls in my life. I love them like little sisters and to hear them say how much they look up to me has meant the world in the past and caused me to strive to be a better person and present myself in a Godly-womanly manner. And pray for them, for they are so young and have so much ahead of them in life. That God will direct them and keep theirs paths straight, their hearts and minds pure and focused on Him and not that of their worldly desires.

It all starts this Friday night (fingers crossed). And for the journey ahead... to Him all be the glory and honor, Amen.