Finally a place...

It seems as if I always have so much on my mind and no place to put it. I could easily type it all out and hide it away, but sometimes sharing it makes me feel as if what I just wrote was even worth my while.

Over the past 4 days its like my life has hit, as my grandpa put it, the pits. Actually... I wouldn't say its been the past 4 days... its been a long time coming. The last 4 days have just been me finally dealing with it and trying to find a place for all these emotions to go. Trying to find a reason. Trying to do it all my own. If I have learned anything these past 4 days... it has been these 3 things. 1) You won't always understand everything. Pastor told us on Sunday that even Solomon, who was in his opinion a very wise man, couldn't understand the way a man was with a maiden... of course he couldn't.... look at how many wives the man actually had. But your not expected to understand it all. Not everything has a reason is what I'm slowly learning. Sometimes... it just happens and you have to go with it despite the fact that all you want is a reason or understanding. God has a plan for what He's doing. That there should really be reason enough. 2) I thought I knew me... but man was I wrong. There is still so much that even I myself don't know about .... well... myself. Sad, I know. But I find it exciting in a way I guess. 3) I can't do this alone. I've been trying... kinda. I've been trying to do with the help of way to many actually. To many of the wrong people when the one I should of been saying "hey dude... gotta a min, kinda need some help down here" I was just totally ignoring. That's right... I so just totally called God "dude". But we're tight like that... and it works for us.

Tonight, I think I've hit every emotion from top to bottom. From stress, to sadness, to heart break.... to heart ache, to happiness, to anger, to tired, to you name it I'm sure I hit it. I'm a fighter, not so much literally, even though I do tend to like to drag out an argument for no reason but just to argue and get to the point of "Ok, ok you're right." But a fighter in a way of I fight for what I fell is right. And for this moment, I didn't. I walked away from something I want to fight so badly for. Something that means so much. But I've been fighting for far to long and I'm tired. Walking away felt like the most wrong thing I have ever done in my life. Driving home I prayed, I cried, I screamed, I got angry, and God listened. To have this moment while driving is probably not the best moment to have it because I just went into shock... and I've felt it before but its been far far far far to long. I finally felt His arms wrapped around me. I felt His presence in that car with me as I drove screaming at the top of my lungs, "Lord just get me home." Oh... He got me home alright. Right home to Him. He's here. He's taking care of me. And in the moments I for some stupid reason think that He's not... well from here on out I'll just scream out... it seemed to work this time. But no matter how loud I yell... actually yell or siliently yell from within if that make sense, He hears and knows my cries and prayers before I even speak them.