Never goodbye...

I know I've mentioned before that all I want is understanding some time... I over think... A LOT. As where most of my post tend to come from... me over thinking. But just when I think I had it all figured out I'm thrown for the biggest loop of it all. Now its my fault? Like... seriously? Because that was never made known to me. I guess the question of today is "How are you supposed to know you are doing something wrong if no one points it out to you?"

I've had friendships in the past that the easiest thing about them was just letting them go... letting them fade. You never had to say why... you just stop calling, stop texting, stop talking. No reason is ever given. If asked, then yes... I would explain but aren't some things just better left unsaid? Eh... depends on who you are asking. Why can't the same common courtesy be given to me though? If I ask "What happened here... how did we get to this point?" you would think the other person would know right? Especially if you really were the problem... or maybe they were the problem and they just can't admit it. Now I'm just rambling as I normally do. But if I ask... its because I really want to know. How can 2 people invest so much time, so much heart, just... so much... into a friendship and then just not know what happened?? One of us knows and I think it is their right to inform the other if asked!! If the friendship is over... why keep on keeping secrets.

It's funny how you realize who your real friends are.. and who, the friends you thought were the real friends, really are. Some times it takes making major changes in your life to see who is good for you and who isn't. I hate to say that I'm in that spot right now... with more than 1 person. I've had to walk away from someone I really care about because I realized how much just their attitude was bringing me down and how much of an influence they were being on me. It sucks. I'll always be there for this person but it's different now... way different than before. And its not that they changed... I changed. I used to be able to deal with it because I was just like them... and I was miserable as that person. I don't want to go back to being them. I'll always love this person and I'll still always be a friend to them but it will never be the same. Sad thing is... I'm at that spot where just letting it fade is easier than telling them flat out.

And now here's where I'm the hypocrite....

With the other person, its the total opposite. They walked away from me... giving no reason. And after asking time and time again "what happened?" I get the words "maybe it's not always the other person in this Lex... something to think about." Really? Because I thought things were great till you up and walked away from me. I called you my best friend, I loved you, I put all I had into this... and that's what I get? Then it hit me... for them, walking away was the easiest part of that friendship... and all they wanted was easy... because when the tough gets going... then so do they... hightailing it the heck outta here. And there's your true colors... hmmm I thought something seemed off about everything between us. But after it all, I'm still here and I'll always be your friend despite what has happened. I'll always still love you and I'll always still care... and I hope you get the best life has to offer.

Ha... I write that like they are going to read it. Who knows... maybe they will. I don't want either of these to be goodbyes because goodbyes are too emotional... a "I'll see ya around sometime" works a lot better for me. But how can I be such a hypocrite? Am I taking the easy way out with the first friendship... I mean I think we both know that its kinda at that place and for the both of us, it might just be best to not talk about it. If they ever did ask, I would totally explain and like I said I'll still always be there but it will never be the same again. Person 2 told me they were walking away and they did just that. Had no reason to give... so they say. And then suddenly they have reasons, don't want to explain them, and its all my fault??

It hurts... and whether we call it the easy way out or not, none of it really easy or there isn't an easiest way out of it when you really think about it...

So... to 2 people who have meant more to me than I could ever express... You'll always be apart of my heart, and I'll always love you both... it will never be goodbye for us... and saying "see ya around" is not easy... but it is for the best.

Power of prayer...

It's an amazing thing. There isn't anything that could or will ever be able to compare to what prayer can do.



I had some time with a mentor of mine today. We discussed a lot that had been on my mind and I'm becoming so much more honest about myself with myself. We got on the topic of relationships, whether it be romantic, family, or friend wise. This mostly applies to the romantic relational aspect of things though. After going through the go rounds of where I put my heart out on line before, my mentor asked me... "do you really know what you want in that future mate??, because it seems as if you've just been testing the waters." The funny part about it is... yeah I know exactly what I want but here's the sad part... I've always felt as if I didn't deserve it. I know someone who sets the example of exactly what God and I have talked about together but I feel like he deserves better than me. I feel as if he is so much more spiritually advanced than I am. So I've taken myself down to a level of what "I think" I deserve... not what God thinks.



I long so deeply to have that relationship with someone where we can share our passion for the Lord together. The guys I've dated... yeah they've been Christian... or at least claimed to be. But while talking about all this today I realized, every relationship I've been in has never been that relationship where we could sit down and pray together. I've prayed for every relationship I've been in, taken it to God and done my best to make Him center of it... but if he isn't doing the same then it all stays one sided. I was reading through the book of James today (it's my favorite so I tend to read it a lot) and I came across this verse:



"Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with." James 5:16



Praying together is just as important as praying separately. Praying for each other is SOOOO important. And a man that isn't afraid to pray out loud... ask for prayer... I find that as the most amazing quality. I long for that, to share that with the one God has molded me to be with. And I haven't found that. Maybe that's where I've been going wrong... I know every time I get into this that at that point when I know that prayer is not something that can easily be set out on the table and we take advantage of that opportunity together, that its not right... but I keep pushing for that. Why?? Because I think this is what I deserve... someone who claims to be all the Christian stuff, goes to church, has "some" morals... but doesn't act on them 24/7... their only a part time Christian. I can't do that. I'm at a point now where I'm not craving these worldly things but I crave the word of God, I crave to praise Him, worship Him, do for Him.... and if I can't share that with someone who is so much a part of my life that I could consider spending the rest of my life with them... then its not right. I deserve what God has planned for me... and I can't settle for less than that in this life.

I'm running this race... going for one prize and one prize only. And for this future guy... I pray he is running that race for the same prize and has that same desire.

Just another bump in the road...

Sadly, that's how I feel. Again I just became someone elses bump in the road. And once they kicked it back into gear, 4 wheel drive, however you want to put it, and move on down the road... I'm smashed back into that ground just a little more. I've asked myself over and over and over again "What is it? Why me? Why let the feelings get this far? Why let me fall to know that in the end I'm only going to end up here? Why God... just tell me why?" At this point, God is the only one who can give me those answers because I haven't gotten one from all those drivers that have just gotten over this bump in the road.

When does the understanding and the healing take place... I mean for real? I have the good days, the days of being over it.... but then all the unanswered questions begin to linger once again. Whats so wrong with me? Why does it have to be my heart again? Prayer after prayer I asked for guidance, I prayed to be directed the right way, I gave the control of my life to the Almighty, but still why? Believe me... this drive home today was not a pretty one between God and I. As much as I hate saying that, its the truth. I was so angry, still so hurt, still so broken. This porcelain heart can only be glued back together so many times until the glue just stops working all together.
I played one CD the whole 6 hours home today.... over and over and over. And one song by the end of this trip just seemed as if it was playing louder than all the rest every time it came on...

I know it seems

Like this could be

The darkest day you've known

But believe you me

The God of strength

Will never let you go

He will overcome, I know

And the arms that hold the universe

Are holding you tonight

You can rest inside

It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging sea

Is calling you His child

So be still and know He's in control

He will never let you go

Through many dangers, toils and snares

You have already come

His grace has brought you safe this far

(And) His grace will lead you home

And the arms that hold the universe

Are holding you tonight

You can rest inside

It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging sea

Is calling you His child

So be still and know He's in control

He will never let you go

You can hope, you can rise, you can stand

He has still got the whole world in His hands

You can hope, you can rise, you can stand

He's still got the whole world, the whole world in His hands

And the arms that hold the universe

Are holding you tonight

You can rest inside

It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging sea

Is calling you His child

So be still and know He's in control

He will never let you go

He will never let you go

(He's) Still got the whole world in His hands in His hands

Still got the whole world in His hands

(Arms That Hold the Universe - Fee)

How can I question Him... the one who can hold the entire universe in His hands, question the one who is in control?? He knows exactly what He's doing, how He's going to do it, when He's going to do it, and He knows I will make it through. I realized today... to all those I've just been another "bump in the road" to, you've become my sign of direction down a new path that just brings me closer back to Him. This porcelain heart belongs elsewhere... not in this world or to its worldly things. God's preparing me, molding me, and making me into the one I need to be... for myself, for Him, for this world, and someday for that special someone... and He will never let me go... He'll never get over me, give up on me, or go around me. I'll never be His bump in the road.

Taking on the small ones...

It's been put on my heart for awhile... and for once in my life, I feel like following my heart more than ever... stepping out of the box and going for it. After a few blogs ago about my little cousin and her being at the "impressionable" age, her and her sister have been on my mind constantly. And then after the sermon this week at church I have finally decided its something I desire so much to do... Minister to them. I've been so about "getting involved" lately but didn't know where to start. Then it hit me... like a ton of tons... I've had an open opportunity sitting right here staring me in the face for the longest of times.

I called both of them tonight and talked to them. I offered to them to start a bible study... just for girls. 2 Fridays a month they, and some of their friends, can come over eat dinner and we just talk and have a small bible study in the midst of the fun. I remember that meaning so much to me at their age. To have someone older than me want to take me in and spend time with me, wanna know me, be a positive influence on me. I thought I was hot stuff when that kinda thing came about. Being that age (6th-middle school age) was not easy for me. And I imagine it's not for them either. But one thing I have learned and that has stuck with me for so long is those were the years when I had those mentors, when I learned the most about what it means to be a daughter of our loving Lord. And I want them to walk away knowing how loved they are, how beautiful they are, that life isn't always easy but they always have someone there for them. It seems like heartbreaks start so much younger these days too... and I'm not here to try to prevent them (we all know I'm no good at it myself and we know that I can't make that happen...) but at least to help be a guide in how to handle it Christ like.

So... I'm asking all to keep me their prayers. That I might speak only His words, show only His actions, and be nothing but a reflection of Him to these girls as I take on their young hearts, young minds, and impressionable years. I'm excited to doing this, especially for 2 of the most special girls in my life. I love them like little sisters and to hear them say how much they look up to me has meant the world in the past and caused me to strive to be a better person and present myself in a Godly-womanly manner. And pray for them, for they are so young and have so much ahead of them in life. That God will direct them and keep theirs paths straight, their hearts and minds pure and focused on Him and not that of their worldly desires.

It all starts this Friday night (fingers crossed). And for the journey ahead... to Him all be the glory and honor, Amen.

Monkeys in a barrel...

I always wondered what the point of it all was. I guess at that age I was either to excited to be playing with them that I never read the instructions... or I didn't know how to read. I would go with the first of the 2... because I am smart, and I could read. I just chose not to. (Thats what we'll go with here) Anyways, I thought about it this morning. I remember always taking the monkeys out, hooking one on the side of the barrel and then setting it on the edge of the table. I would continue hooking the monkeys, linking them together by the arms. I would always try to see how many I could link together before the barrel fell off the side of the table. I remember never getting very far. I did go back and read the real rules today, just because I was curious, and it is an actual game and that is not how you play. Oh well. At that young of an age it worked for me.

So you're probably wondering why I even thought about such a thing as monkeys in a barrel. Maybe because I'm crazy?? Naw. Maybe because I'm weird?? Possibly. Maybe because I'm me and I just think like that?? That's it! No no... nothing like that. I do have a logical reason for my thinking. Yesterday I had made a comment "Today I make one hand free by letting go so that I might have that extra hand to hold on tighter to the Lord." I was thinking about that again this morning. I've been holding on so tightly with one hand to things (people) other than God. I have one hand up at God doing my best to hold tight, but then I have this other thing I'm holding tight... and that thing is holding tight to something, and that holding tight to something and so on and so on. Its like the monkeys in a barrel... I would start with just one. Thats fine. But then I would link another...ok... no problem. But then there would be another and another and another until the first one was so weighed down it would just tip the whole thing over causing the whole thing to fall off the table. I started thinking about it. There is enough room around the barrel to hook each monkey so why do they all have to weigh each other down.

We can all let go of holding on to each other and weighing each other down. Then we'll have the strength to hold on tighter to God and you won't have to worry about the others around you because then they will have both hands free and could be doing the same. You can do it side by side with encouragement... but hand in hand causes the pulling back, bringing down. God is strong to hold all of us at the same time. That's what we have to remind ourselves the next time we start linking all the monkeys to us.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

And I do forget that of what I did once know....

Back in 2006, I hit a point that is very similar to the one I'm in right now. Heart break is what it was to be exact. I had dealt with that for months and months. And for months and months that year I already knew what you are about to read... it just took me 8 months to admit that to myself. Whats in bold below crossed my mind today. I wrote it back in November of 2006. It's funny how years later something that you once knew is something that you just totally forget. I wouldn't say I ever forgot it... but I got to a point of not believing it for awhile, to a certain extent. Something called me to read it again... to remind myself... this is what love is, and nothing or no one can take this love from me.

November 13, 2006

This feeling I hold is like no other. It's been a long time, if ever, that I've felt this way. I've finally found what I've been looking for, forever, I guess you could say. The love of my life has been right in front of me for so long but I just couldn't see it. Hearing him speak this weekend made me realize how blind I've been to it all. It's turned my heart in ways I can't explain. I'm in love and there's no way anyone can ever take it from me. This man I can't even describe. Words could never be enough to explain how wonderful he is. My eyes light up at the thought of him and my heart skips a beat every time I feel him near. Butterflies fill my stomach every time I speak of him. A smile fills my face hearing his name. My life has been nothing to this point. He's everything I've been looking for and completes me like no other. I'm truly the luckiest woman ever. He listens and never judges... promises he will never leave me and will always love me forever. What more could any woman ever ask for. I just hate that I've been a fool so long and never realized it before. I've grown up with him and he's been right in front of me this whole time. How stupid could I have been to let the love of my life just pass me by over and over. I could have never asked for a better friend. He's been there to listen to me every time I've needed him. He's watched the tears fall and comforted me when they hit the pillow. He gave it all up for me so I could have this wonderful life I live everyday. The love of my life is not just any man... he is Jesus Christ. I live for this man and he is the prince in my life. I've finally found the love that I've longed for.
My heart is his and he will never break it. I could not ask for a better love.


Being reminded by my self of something I myself tried to tell so many hits harder than hearing it from even the ones you care most about. I know God has a reason in all this. (If you all haven't noticed by now... I don't deal with breakups well... especially when your feelings hit the point mine did... which hasn't happened in years). But I do believe God places some people in your life just to get you back on track. And yeah... unfortunately sometimes it takes a big bad event to make you realize that you're not on track, but you pick up your pieces, you pick up your life, you pick up your cross and you carry on... following Him. No one said it would be easy... but the reward is worth every trial, every bit of pain, every heart break, and every moment of struggle.

Why does the English language allow so many meanings of one word...

For instance... Space (n)... it has 19 different meanings (according to dictionary.com) and that's just in noun form. The 11th meaning of "space" -- extent, or a particular extent, of time. The 12th meaning of "space" -- an interval of time; a while.

Do some people not know that one word can mean so many different things. I'M A SPECIFICS KINDA PERSON!!!! I need to be in the know. So which meaning of space do you want... because ya know, space can go on and on and on and on and on.... ect... forever. Is that the space we are referring to here? I wouldn't know because I haven't been told.

Funny how a woman's mind would work like this... but a guy says space and he would never even begin to think... I wonder which space I mean by saying "space". It's frustrating when trying to learn that the way I feel and think and express emotions and love and care is going to be different than the way someone else does. You'll never find another you I guess is what I'm getting at. Thankfully, I'm blessed to have a set of friends (Aunt and Uncle to be exact) that understand what I'm going through. I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE, THANK YOU GOD!!!! She's on my side of this space thing. The word space is like a stab to the heart for a girl... even if that's not the intentions. Him on the other hand... he says space is just space. But that's the complexity of the male and female minds. We, as women, want to so badly to be loved in the same way we are giving it. We think that if you don't show it that way that hey... maybe you don't feel the same way. Then we tell you that... and you think... hey maybe you're right. But what I'm having to learn and I mean really really learn is it isn't going to be the same. That's what makes it so special too. Uncle had to explain this to me.... Sometimes women just talk, and we as men don't like to talk, so we listen because we like hearing you talk. Then you talk to much... and all you're saying becomes all we're thinking. And we think... since we don't feel or think the same as you that we are doing something wrong. So sometimes you just need to not talk so much. Sometimes you need to give us that "space" so we can think for ourselves and realize all these things on our own.

Oh this is so hard. Patience has been my prayer for today. Lord, just give me patience. The best that I can do now is just learn to give space.... and not try to find its meaning by actually invading the space. It sucks... Just FYI. Big time. Thankfully... Aunt understands what I'm going through because her and Uncle have been there, so she's been a wonderful shoulder to lean on. I know I'm not alone in this. God is there with me. But it's also nice to know that God has people in my life that understand and have placed them in a spot to give me a little bit of another perspective besides the one I keep giving myself. Not to say they are right or wrong.... So I try to not see into it to literally, but Uncles words have helped.... He's helped me see it from the male point of view. And I get it... I just have a hard time accepting it. I feel like if I give space, I'm giving up. And Aunt said she felt the same way, but trust in God. He has a plan and if this space is short lived or for forever... either way it will be what God wants for you both.... Sigh... Again... Dude, God just give me paaaaaaaaaatience.

On a better note... I did some retail therapy today... some modest retail therapy of course. I'm a "I'm on a budget" gal these days... but buying a new purse helped me feel just a tad bit better for a moment. Now I'm just looking forward to going out and using it. YAY!

Sigh.... (and it is a really big one at this point)

And again... Lord, patience. That and You is all I need.