Monkeys in a barrel...

I always wondered what the point of it all was. I guess at that age I was either to excited to be playing with them that I never read the instructions... or I didn't know how to read. I would go with the first of the 2... because I am smart, and I could read. I just chose not to. (Thats what we'll go with here) Anyways, I thought about it this morning. I remember always taking the monkeys out, hooking one on the side of the barrel and then setting it on the edge of the table. I would continue hooking the monkeys, linking them together by the arms. I would always try to see how many I could link together before the barrel fell off the side of the table. I remember never getting very far. I did go back and read the real rules today, just because I was curious, and it is an actual game and that is not how you play. Oh well. At that young of an age it worked for me.

So you're probably wondering why I even thought about such a thing as monkeys in a barrel. Maybe because I'm crazy?? Naw. Maybe because I'm weird?? Possibly. Maybe because I'm me and I just think like that?? That's it! No no... nothing like that. I do have a logical reason for my thinking. Yesterday I had made a comment "Today I make one hand free by letting go so that I might have that extra hand to hold on tighter to the Lord." I was thinking about that again this morning. I've been holding on so tightly with one hand to things (people) other than God. I have one hand up at God doing my best to hold tight, but then I have this other thing I'm holding tight... and that thing is holding tight to something, and that holding tight to something and so on and so on. Its like the monkeys in a barrel... I would start with just one. Thats fine. But then I would link another...ok... no problem. But then there would be another and another and another until the first one was so weighed down it would just tip the whole thing over causing the whole thing to fall off the table. I started thinking about it. There is enough room around the barrel to hook each monkey so why do they all have to weigh each other down.

We can all let go of holding on to each other and weighing each other down. Then we'll have the strength to hold on tighter to God and you won't have to worry about the others around you because then they will have both hands free and could be doing the same. You can do it side by side with encouragement... but hand in hand causes the pulling back, bringing down. God is strong to hold all of us at the same time. That's what we have to remind ourselves the next time we start linking all the monkeys to us.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

And I do forget that of what I did once know....

Back in 2006, I hit a point that is very similar to the one I'm in right now. Heart break is what it was to be exact. I had dealt with that for months and months. And for months and months that year I already knew what you are about to read... it just took me 8 months to admit that to myself. Whats in bold below crossed my mind today. I wrote it back in November of 2006. It's funny how years later something that you once knew is something that you just totally forget. I wouldn't say I ever forgot it... but I got to a point of not believing it for awhile, to a certain extent. Something called me to read it again... to remind myself... this is what love is, and nothing or no one can take this love from me.

November 13, 2006

This feeling I hold is like no other. It's been a long time, if ever, that I've felt this way. I've finally found what I've been looking for, forever, I guess you could say. The love of my life has been right in front of me for so long but I just couldn't see it. Hearing him speak this weekend made me realize how blind I've been to it all. It's turned my heart in ways I can't explain. I'm in love and there's no way anyone can ever take it from me. This man I can't even describe. Words could never be enough to explain how wonderful he is. My eyes light up at the thought of him and my heart skips a beat every time I feel him near. Butterflies fill my stomach every time I speak of him. A smile fills my face hearing his name. My life has been nothing to this point. He's everything I've been looking for and completes me like no other. I'm truly the luckiest woman ever. He listens and never judges... promises he will never leave me and will always love me forever. What more could any woman ever ask for. I just hate that I've been a fool so long and never realized it before. I've grown up with him and he's been right in front of me this whole time. How stupid could I have been to let the love of my life just pass me by over and over. I could have never asked for a better friend. He's been there to listen to me every time I've needed him. He's watched the tears fall and comforted me when they hit the pillow. He gave it all up for me so I could have this wonderful life I live everyday. The love of my life is not just any man... he is Jesus Christ. I live for this man and he is the prince in my life. I've finally found the love that I've longed for.
My heart is his and he will never break it. I could not ask for a better love.


Being reminded by my self of something I myself tried to tell so many hits harder than hearing it from even the ones you care most about. I know God has a reason in all this. (If you all haven't noticed by now... I don't deal with breakups well... especially when your feelings hit the point mine did... which hasn't happened in years). But I do believe God places some people in your life just to get you back on track. And yeah... unfortunately sometimes it takes a big bad event to make you realize that you're not on track, but you pick up your pieces, you pick up your life, you pick up your cross and you carry on... following Him. No one said it would be easy... but the reward is worth every trial, every bit of pain, every heart break, and every moment of struggle.

Why does the English language allow so many meanings of one word...

For instance... Space (n)... it has 19 different meanings (according to dictionary.com) and that's just in noun form. The 11th meaning of "space" -- extent, or a particular extent, of time. The 12th meaning of "space" -- an interval of time; a while.

Do some people not know that one word can mean so many different things. I'M A SPECIFICS KINDA PERSON!!!! I need to be in the know. So which meaning of space do you want... because ya know, space can go on and on and on and on and on.... ect... forever. Is that the space we are referring to here? I wouldn't know because I haven't been told.

Funny how a woman's mind would work like this... but a guy says space and he would never even begin to think... I wonder which space I mean by saying "space". It's frustrating when trying to learn that the way I feel and think and express emotions and love and care is going to be different than the way someone else does. You'll never find another you I guess is what I'm getting at. Thankfully, I'm blessed to have a set of friends (Aunt and Uncle to be exact) that understand what I'm going through. I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE, THANK YOU GOD!!!! She's on my side of this space thing. The word space is like a stab to the heart for a girl... even if that's not the intentions. Him on the other hand... he says space is just space. But that's the complexity of the male and female minds. We, as women, want to so badly to be loved in the same way we are giving it. We think that if you don't show it that way that hey... maybe you don't feel the same way. Then we tell you that... and you think... hey maybe you're right. But what I'm having to learn and I mean really really learn is it isn't going to be the same. That's what makes it so special too. Uncle had to explain this to me.... Sometimes women just talk, and we as men don't like to talk, so we listen because we like hearing you talk. Then you talk to much... and all you're saying becomes all we're thinking. And we think... since we don't feel or think the same as you that we are doing something wrong. So sometimes you just need to not talk so much. Sometimes you need to give us that "space" so we can think for ourselves and realize all these things on our own.

Oh this is so hard. Patience has been my prayer for today. Lord, just give me patience. The best that I can do now is just learn to give space.... and not try to find its meaning by actually invading the space. It sucks... Just FYI. Big time. Thankfully... Aunt understands what I'm going through because her and Uncle have been there, so she's been a wonderful shoulder to lean on. I know I'm not alone in this. God is there with me. But it's also nice to know that God has people in my life that understand and have placed them in a spot to give me a little bit of another perspective besides the one I keep giving myself. Not to say they are right or wrong.... So I try to not see into it to literally, but Uncles words have helped.... He's helped me see it from the male point of view. And I get it... I just have a hard time accepting it. I feel like if I give space, I'm giving up. And Aunt said she felt the same way, but trust in God. He has a plan and if this space is short lived or for forever... either way it will be what God wants for you both.... Sigh... Again... Dude, God just give me paaaaaaaaaatience.

On a better note... I did some retail therapy today... some modest retail therapy of course. I'm a "I'm on a budget" gal these days... but buying a new purse helped me feel just a tad bit better for a moment. Now I'm just looking forward to going out and using it. YAY!

Sigh.... (and it is a really big one at this point)

And again... Lord, patience. That and You is all I need.

To again be a sixer....

And by sixer... I totally mean 6th grader. And yes this is post number 2 for today... but I didn't want to mix them together just because they are totally different subjects.

I spent some time at my aunts this afternoon. While I was there I volunteered to take on straightening my 11 year old cousins hair. She asked me over and over again... are you sure you want to do this... like really you will... youre really sure? I finally just said... ya know what, if you ask again I'm just gonna say no. So she took up my offer and we went to work. This girl has so much hair too... you have NO IDEA!!!!

Anywho.... there is a real point to this blog, I promise. So just bare with me as I ramble. As we set in the bathroom and I took on this massiveness of a mane (haha) we just started talking. She opened up (after going on and on and on about how good she thought I was at everything... ha if she only knew). I learned a lot about what an 11 year old thinks and processes in their head. Oh young minds... how so impressionable they are... but yet how quickly they get over stuff. Made me wish I could so totally just move on like she does. She went on and on about this boy that she was "going out" with... and then how they can just break up, this guy move on to her best friend and they still be such good buds. I told her she is to young to be dating (she should so be waiting till she's 30 for that kinda stuff) and her response to me was... "but there are so many hot guys out there and I need a chance to get to them all." I thought now... oh dear I so need to make my impression now!!! Please don't float around. You are so beautiful not only on the outside but on the inside too and someday moving on won't be this easy and you'll want as few of these heart breaks as possible. Guard your heart! I know its hard but guard it!!!!!!!! She told me she knows a lot more than I think she does... and she listens to anything and everything everyone says. Like I said... so impressionable at that age. I pray she never hits heart ache like I have and this "chance to get to them all" stage will move on quickly.

As we finished her hair she thanked me and told me it meant so much that I did so good... but I hope she took a lot more than how beautiful she looked from those 30 mins we spent together.

You get a new life, and you get a new life, and you get a new life...

Sounds like "you get a car, and you get a car..." Funny how life can be a new life without ever leaving a place and not changing much, except for a few minor things such as how you spend the first hour of your morning, or the first one you go to with a problem, or how you even react in a situation.

I was thinking hard today about all the things I want to do with this "new life." It's not that I haven't had the "new life" feeling before. I've had to start over many a times. But this time is different. The way I see things is differently and this time I'm striving harder than ever to make the "new life" work and not go back to where I was before. It's a new beginning... and every morning is a new start with a new conversation and a new prayer and new part of me that I didn't know existed before. Like I said when I started this blog thing... I'm learning things about myself that I never knew... and I thought I knew me pretty well.

On another note... I so totally woke up this morning with that "you get a new life" repeating over and over in my head... and I so badly wanted to say "So God... does this mean "you get a new car" too?".... yeah didn't think so. :) And I'm sure He totally laughed when I thought that...

Crazy how it works, isn't it?

This morning I set down and read 1 Peter. It was on my mind for some reason. I had so many things pop out at me as I read that pertained so much to all that I'm going through. I'll share those in the midst of this, but there was one scripture that cried out to me as I read it. It's crazy how it went along so well with what I talked about yesterday... Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. 1 Peter 2:2-3.
Since my... oh melt down i guess you would call it... this past Sunday night... I guess you could say I've realized that I was tasting from all the "oh so good" plates and totally passing over the best one of them all. I had no place else to turn to except back to God, and I think (well I know) that's exactly what He wanted me to do. I had gone so far from where I needed to be and was tasting from all these plates that would soon go empty. They never had time to refill because I just kept taking and taking from them. I wasn't going for the plate that would always remain full. And its not that He wants me so much to stay away from these other plates, but He wants me to taste whats on His too (more than the rest) and not just get stuck scarfing down one of the others. As long as I know His plate will remain filled and that I can eat all I want from it, its ok to go to the others and have some but in moderation. Its like mom telling you you cant have dessert before you've eaten your dinner. I can't have love, a relationship, and all the above, till I first take in what I have on His plate that He has given me (the love with Christ, the relationship with Him.) Otherwise... I will never grow strong (spiritually) and I'll end up tired and full on junk which does nothing good for my life. He will provide the "sweet tasty things" when I'm healthy enough to manage them. That might not make ANY sense to anyone but my mind is going crazy with these things.
If you haven't caught on by now, I'm dealing with major heart break. The heart break had led to a lot of good things. I've turned my tables back to God and I'm getting to a place in my relationship with Him I've never been at before. (For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls. 1 Peter 2:25) Its a wonderful feeling. But the heart ache is still there and its made me so sick this week. I've leaned more on the Lord than I think I ever have and I'm seeing a difference in myself and its only been a week. I've had to remove the burdens I was carrying... and man were they heavy.. Forgiveness is an amazing thing (Humble yourselves, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7) I think that's been the hardest part. Giving it all to Him. I'm such a "on my time" kinda person that I want it all fixed now or I wanna do it my way, but my way and my time are getting me: no appetite, no sleep, constant worry, and anxiety beyond any that I've ever felt. Does me no good at all. I just have to trust in the Lord that he taking care of me just like the scripture says. He has a plan for my life, and it might not be the plan I have. I just have to trust that He knows what He's doing and in time, my heart will heal and life will be good as long as I walk with Him.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10

Mmmmmhhhhh, Taste so good....

So there are those moments... where you get just a little taste of something so so good. Typically, and most of the time... by time I taste this I'm either one of two things. 1- I'm so full already but I keep tasting and tasting till I'm nearly sick. or 2- I'm so hungry that I just can't get enough of it. Then in that case I have to much and end up sick in the end too.

It's like my life right now (and you'll notice I do have a tendency to relate life situations to the strangest of things at times). I've had a taste of something so good. Something I haven't tasted in so long that I forgot what it was all about. And all I wanted was more... more more more. So I kept going for more. And in the end I didn't know where to stop. I didn't know when enough was enough, that I was about to make myself sick. It was so good that I never wanted it to go away. So I kept taking and taking till there wasn't anything left to take. Now my plate is empty. I'm sick. And what was so good is now gone and I didn't savor any of it. Man it's a sucky situation.

Finally a place...

It seems as if I always have so much on my mind and no place to put it. I could easily type it all out and hide it away, but sometimes sharing it makes me feel as if what I just wrote was even worth my while.

Over the past 4 days its like my life has hit, as my grandpa put it, the pits. Actually... I wouldn't say its been the past 4 days... its been a long time coming. The last 4 days have just been me finally dealing with it and trying to find a place for all these emotions to go. Trying to find a reason. Trying to do it all my own. If I have learned anything these past 4 days... it has been these 3 things. 1) You won't always understand everything. Pastor told us on Sunday that even Solomon, who was in his opinion a very wise man, couldn't understand the way a man was with a maiden... of course he couldn't.... look at how many wives the man actually had. But your not expected to understand it all. Not everything has a reason is what I'm slowly learning. Sometimes... it just happens and you have to go with it despite the fact that all you want is a reason or understanding. God has a plan for what He's doing. That there should really be reason enough. 2) I thought I knew me... but man was I wrong. There is still so much that even I myself don't know about .... well... myself. Sad, I know. But I find it exciting in a way I guess. 3) I can't do this alone. I've been trying... kinda. I've been trying to do with the help of way to many actually. To many of the wrong people when the one I should of been saying "hey dude... gotta a min, kinda need some help down here" I was just totally ignoring. That's right... I so just totally called God "dude". But we're tight like that... and it works for us.

Tonight, I think I've hit every emotion from top to bottom. From stress, to sadness, to heart break.... to heart ache, to happiness, to anger, to tired, to you name it I'm sure I hit it. I'm a fighter, not so much literally, even though I do tend to like to drag out an argument for no reason but just to argue and get to the point of "Ok, ok you're right." But a fighter in a way of I fight for what I fell is right. And for this moment, I didn't. I walked away from something I want to fight so badly for. Something that means so much. But I've been fighting for far to long and I'm tired. Walking away felt like the most wrong thing I have ever done in my life. Driving home I prayed, I cried, I screamed, I got angry, and God listened. To have this moment while driving is probably not the best moment to have it because I just went into shock... and I've felt it before but its been far far far far to long. I finally felt His arms wrapped around me. I felt His presence in that car with me as I drove screaming at the top of my lungs, "Lord just get me home." Oh... He got me home alright. Right home to Him. He's here. He's taking care of me. And in the moments I for some stupid reason think that He's not... well from here on out I'll just scream out... it seemed to work this time. But no matter how loud I yell... actually yell or siliently yell from within if that make sense, He hears and knows my cries and prayers before I even speak them.