Why can't you define who you are on your own...

Maybe this is because I've come to peace with being with just myself... but I've noticed how much other people are looking to each other to define who they are. That they can't live life, be happy, be themselves unless they are consumed in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Why though??? Why must we have someone else define who we are when all it really is doing is hiding what we are meant to be?

I've struggled with this a lot throughout the years. It's always felt like a pressure to have to be in a relationship, all because everyone else is doing it. For some it gives them confidence. They've become the "big man on campus" because they finally got a girl. For some its winning the game. "Can't win anywhere else, but once I have that guy/girl I'll be the biggest winner of all." Then it turns into "I won the prize and now its time to move onto the next game." For some it makes them feel beautiful. "He tells me I'm perfect... that no girl will ever compare." But then he breaks your heart and you find out that every girl has heard "that no girl will ever compare." For some its to fill a void of what has been lost (not just physically but emotionally too)... a friend, a family member, someone you really did love. Rebound sound familiar in this case?

I'm probably making this out to be a harsh reality, like I've been hurt one to many times so I don't believe in love or that being alone forever is where I want to be but don't be construed by the words above. I defiantly believe in love. I'm madly in love already. And I don't want to be alone forever, in fact I'm not alone now. I'm just in love and in the presence of something different than what everyone else out there is "searching" for. You can define who you are on your own, but it's not a path many of us want to take. We're afraid of what we might find out about ourselves along that journey. It's easier to be someone were not and let the judgment from someone else give us our definition. It is always nice to have someone along for the ride but so many seem to be choosing the wrong one. It's like when you lose your keys. You search high and low to find them and of course they are no where to be found. The moment you stop looking for them, they appear. I searched high and low to find someone to walk down that path of discovering who I am only to find that I wasn't finding anyone, including myself. The moment I stopped searching He walked up, grabbed my hand, and is leading me on journey no friend, family member or guy could ever take me down.

Along the way I've let go of a lot. I had packed my bags to full for this trip and the heavier they were the more tired I was becoming. You hit a point of wanting to give up, to just be done with it. What's left out there if I'm doing this alone!?! "So much is left out there for you my child, so much! And you're not alone! I am with you always! Now lets lighten this load you're dragging behind you and walk together." Those words ring over and over in my head every time I feel alone in this. I set out with one to many bags of just junk, and now I'm carrying nothing but my cross. And I'm not doing it alone! I've found everything that the term "searching" wasn't giving me and I didn't have to search at all. I just had to have faith. And to know that I can be me by God's definition, instead of someone else, is so much more worth it.

So what the love of my life doesn't curl up with me to watch movies, take me out to dinner, or buy me pretty things... He does wrap me in His arms, catches my tears, hears my unspoken cries, knows every hair on my head and showed His love for me by dying on a cross. You really want to try to compare that to what any guy/girl is going to give you?

Fall in love with the Lord first. Let that be your love story. Let Him be there with you so you're not alone. And once you've experienced that, a go round with every first available won't be necessary to find what "meant to be" is. God knows your happy ending... after all He is the one who wrote the book called "Your Life". Let the author do His job and write the way He wants to about His main character... you.

Oh take me out to the ball game...or the ocean??

Last night the family (all those related and those who I'm not related to but told I am) went to the Texas Rangers game. Oh baseball... the great American pass time. I have never understood why, but I will say I do enjoy the game. I might not be a sports buff and maybe the only way I know what's actually going on is by looking at the score board for an update, but still nonetheless I do enjoy a good game... until last night.

I just wanted a moment to rant about this because ooooohhhhh I was mad. Our seats were decent. I'm afraid of heights so sitting higher up does get me every time. But after 3 hours in one spot I tend to feel okay. 3 hours in that one spot last night though had me a little over the edge. Not the edge of the stadium of course.... but come on people!!! I understand at 16 we all think were the coolest thing since sliced bread and ice cream cones, but do we really need to wear our hair that big?? I mean yes, we do live in Texas, and EVERYTHING is bigger here... but I thought big hair went out a long time ago. For the first time I was actually interested in watching what was going on at home plate and who was up to bat... but I couldn't see ANYTHING because macho-dude in front of me thought it'd be cool to kill the universe and use as much hair product as he possibly could to get a wave going. Shouldn't all of us as fans be doing that around the 7th inning? Your hair made up for our silly baseball traditions dude, so thanks for that! OH...And yes, I did say he. The 16 year old with big hair was a HE. Bestie told me it wasn't just the hair... that he did have a big head too. Probably came from that ego he was carrying around with him.

Honestly though... here's how I see it: If you're going to come to a game and you want to wear your hair that high either 1. Watch the game. I would of been ok with your hair/head blocking my view of the game if you would of actually watched the game and been interested in it instead of hitting on your girlfriend who obviously wasn't into PDA the whole time. OR 2. Buy two tickets because I'm pretty sure that hair of yours could of counted for 2 people. OR 3. Bring a surf board so who ever is sitting behind you can hang 10 while everyone else enjoys the game, because we all know I didn't get to see any of it anyways. Would of been nice and a common courtesy to provide me some entertainment since you took away the entertainment I paid to see.

Kids.... big hair is not in... no matter how cool you think you are... Big hair just ruins the night for the people (short people at that) who sadly get stuck behind you. Remember that for the rest of your lives!!!! Geesh.... the things parents forget to teach their children these days.

Importance of Community, New Orleans 2002

It was the summer before my Sophomore year of high school. Me and few members from our church went to New Orleans (pre Katrina) for a missions trip. I had never been on one before and didn't know what to expect. Only 5 of us from the youth went, and only 4 of us really knew each other. I was so nervous being so far from home doing something I had never done before, but if it wouldn't had been for this experience I don't think I would have the desire to do this of which has been on my heart from the day this picture was taken.

We were in New Orleans for about a week. We did a lot of things and went a lot places while we there. I don't remember exactly what day in the schedule this picture was taken but I do remember exactly what we were doing. That morning we were told that we were going to go spend some time at the projects... Well wait.... FIRST... let me set the stage for you.

When we first arrived in New Orleans we met up with another group from Arkansas. A member from a sister church of ours down there met up with us to lead us into the part of New Orleans we were staying in. It was about early evening or so as we drove into town. We were all so excited to finally be there after SOOOOO many hours of being in a car. We drove over the bridge and into the area we were staying. Whats the first thing we see?? A massive group of people all crowded around the outside of an apartment building (in the projects) and cops bringing guys out in hand cuffs. Not the most comforting sight. Where we staying?? Oh... maybe 5 or so minutes from this area. I was scared out of my mind. I don't think I was the only one too. The guys that came along with us I think we're having their fair share of shaking in their boots moments too. We heard sirens all night... and this was the area we were going to be doing missions in???

So back to the day of that picture.... Now that the stage has been set and you know where we are staying. That morning we were told we were going to spend some time in the projects. The first thing that popped into my head was that image of all that was happening on the first day while driving in. I was a nervous wreck! I wasn't ready to die! (So immature of me to be thinking like that but hey I was only 14 at the time) When we arrived, a group went out to knock on doors to let people know we would be down in the common area around the apartments and if the kids wanted to come and play they were more than welcome. We didn't come with anything fabulous (just some bouncy balls, bubbles, things of that sort which I find ABSOLUTELY fabulous but I'm just different) but you would of thought these kids were on cloud 10! They surpassed cloud 9 in case you were wondering. I don't think it was so much the materialistic things we brought but more the meaningful things. We can with open and loving arms. We came with time to be spent solely on them. We came with no knowledge of who each of these children were. We were just ready and willing to love them to the max!!! The picture above was with the little girl I grew so attached to in just those few moments. You can see a corner of a small face at the bottom of the picture too. I look at this picture and it melts my heart every time I see that smile of hers. We weren't doing anything big and special... just time in the community which turned out to be the most important thing. TIME. It's such a small word but can mean SO much to someone. We might have made an impact for a moment that day, but she made an impact on me for a life time.

Ever since that day I've wanted to continue that moment. That moment of community that was shared. It's always been on my heart but was never anything I sought after doing. Now I'm seeking. I'm spending time in prayer asking God to lead me to the right place, the right people, the right communities for this. You must first receive love to be able to give love. I have received the utmost abundance of love from our Lord and I want to share it. I want to give love to those who haven't received so that they may be able to give that same love to someone else some day. Right now this all just a prayer but is becoming more realistic. Community love is so important. Loving your neighbor is so important. It's all a work in progress but I'm hoping someday soon being able to go from community to community and share moments like this picture above will be possible. I don't want anything from it. I've already been given everything I need including the air I breathe from the Lord most high. Now I want to share that because it is not my own, but that of His.

'Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.' The second command is this: 'Love your neighbor as you love yourself.' There are no commands more important than these. Mark 12:30-31