You wanna piece of me??

"You wanna piece of me??"

Every time I hear those words I hear my grandpas voice in his ...whats left of a Brooklyn accent... and then the loud "Ehhhhh??" he puts after it. You hear someone say that and you think of them putting up the fist ready to fight...defend themselves. I've been saying those words a lot lately but not in that way. My "You wanna piece of me??" is more of a "Hey come take what you want... you wanna piece of my heart?? Well here ya go!" Instead of putting up my defense and protecting myself, I open my arms and say go for it!

Stupid stupid stuuuuupid idea.

Now I'm asking myself... "WHAT on earth were you thinking!?!?!"

Where is my heart now I wonder... probably in some distant land. I've given pieces of it away so many times that I'm sure its just traveled all around. I don't like to say I'm living with regret but in a way I am.

I know... I know... you're thinking "how do you just kinda live with regret... its either you do or you don't..."

Here's the deal... I regret one thing and one thing only. Giving my heart to so many who I should of known weren't the ones meant for it... when I should of been giving it to God to make it pure and whole so it will be ready to give to the right one. I don't want to end up giving a heart that's in pieces. I don't want to end up with it sitting on shelf all tattered and frayed... scarred and worn... barely beating anymore. I don't want to put a cast on it and pretend that its getting better underneath. I want it actually healed. I want it whole. I want it pure. I want it to be Gods to put in the right place...

At the right time...

With the right person.

Then it hit me... If you want a piece of me... GO THROUGH GOD FIRST!!! He has my heart and if that's what you're looking for, you must first be seeking Him and He rightfully gets to make the decision whether or not this is the right thing. After all... I am His and He is in control... right? If it's what I truly believe then it's what I need to be truly living.

And for the millionth time... I give back the control. And the only one I want having every piece of me is Him.

A Joyful Noise...

"Come, let's sing for joy to the Lord. Let's shout praises to the Rock who saves us. Let's come to him with thanksgiving. Let's sing songs to him, because the Lord is the great God, the great King over all gods." Psalm 95:1-3

Last night I once again had the opportunity to join up with thousand of others at the American Airlines Center for the Rock and Worship Roadshow. It still amazes me every time I go... that that many people would spend $10 each to come in to listen to Christian bands and praise God with thousands of others. I've blogged before about how important I feel that is to pray together. Worship to me seems just that much more important. I do believe in time spent alone with God... way more than I do doing it together... but there is something special about all God's people coming together to make a joyful noise for Him. It so humbling to see and watch and know that every single person in that place is somewhere different in their life... some might have not even wanted to be there but they still came... some might not of been believers.... some might have been living a life that didn't exalt our Lord but still made it a point to be there.... He brought every one of those people there for a reason and to think that we were all there because God had a reason for us is such a beautiful thing. To think that He took the time to make a way for each of those to get there. To think that He took the time to make it something for each of us in some way... Oh how amazing is our God. That He has the time for so many but yet it still feel so personal with Him. How can you deny His love? How can you deny Him? After He sent His one and only Son for us to die up on that cross. You don't have to be a church goer... that doesn't make you a Christian. Being a Christian is a relationship. It's something you live not something you do. And as they said last night... and this hit me just the way God needed it to hit me... When you fall in love with someone, you never stop talking about them... you consume yourself in that love. It's not something you want to do... it just comes natural. When you fall in love with Jesus ... going out and doing it "right" isn't something you just want to do... it just happens because you are consumed in Him, you are in love with Him.

The most amazing moment last night... Bart from Mercy Me led us in Amazing Grace a'capella. The first verse the entire stadium sang together, second verse the ladies, and then again the first verse just the men that time. It was the most beautiful sound. We didn't have to be the best singers, but it still made the most breath taking noise... it still made a joyful noise for the Lord.

Day 59

It's been 59 days since you walked out that door and I fell to floor in tears. It's been 56 days since I last heard your voice, saw your face, looked in your eyes, held your hand, felt you close. It's been 25 days since I've had any response in contact from you. It's been 7 days since I last tried to be your friend. It's been 3 nights since I've been able to sleep. It's been 2 hours since I last cried about you. And its been 0 seconds since I last thought about you.

I can say I'm ok all I want... that this is ok. I can get up, put a smile on my face, walk out the door and live this life and no one even know a thing is wrong. Truth is though, I've gotten really good at pretending. Truth is... this is not ok. And the real truth is... I'm not ok. Sunday night I met up with a friend and we drove somewhere in my car together. Place we left her car? It just happened to be the last place I saw you... the exact spot that we stood saying good bye. I dropped her back off that night at her car. It was dark outside just like it was that night... parking lot was half empty just like it was that night. I drove out there with that same "this is the worse thing I've ever done" feeling in the pit of my stomach. I set there getting ready to turn out of the parking lot just like I did that night and looked in my rear view mirror and the only thing I could still see was your car still sitting there. 2 months later and the only thing I ever see when I look in my rear view mirror is your car, the guilt of leaving that parking lot, the feeling of never wanting to let go of you.

I miss you so much that its killing me inside. I sit here at night on my couch and its like a movie just playing in front of me. I see us still laughing in the kitchen making a mess with chocolate, you trying to take pictures of me when you think I'm not looking, trying to prove that I'm not stronger than you by pushing my hands and making me slide across the floor. I can hear you making fun of all my house shoes, singing all those silly songs that you knew would get stuck in my head and drive me crazy, trying to convince me fish eggs won't kill me, telling me "I know I don't have to, but I want to." I miss everything about you. You were my best friend.

I still remember the day I told you I missed you. You were out of town for work. I had already ditched a phone call with you because I was trying to watch movies but texting was ok because I could still pay attention. You said something about being able to read my mind or that I was so predictable. I told you to predict what it was that I was thinking... you guessed for hours. It was so cute. You never would of predicted that it was that I missed you. You had waited so long to hear me say that to you again. I had never stopped missing you, I was just scared to tell you. Those times you would fall asleep during a movie, I would just sit there and look at you. I would memorize every inch of you face so when you weren't here I could see it in my mind. I always knew I would miss you when you weren't here, I just never thought I would have to miss you like this.

When I said I missed you, I said it because it's what I felt and I meant it. When I said I cared about you it was because I cared about you more than you would ever know. When I said I love you, I said it because my heart had never felt love like that before and I wanted nothing more than to shout to the whole world. It took me so long to get to where we were. I had never been so happy. I never wanted to stop smiling. I still got chills every time you held my hand, I still felt all the blood rush to my face when you looked at me, my stomach went into flutters every single time you kissed me. Not once did I not feel any of that. It was every time.

At this point, you had become so much apart of my life, apart of me, apart of my heart... that I don't even feel like I'm living my life anymore. It doesn't feel like my life without you in it. You were apart of it... and it's been ripped away. Tears stream down my face all the time. To think I'll never hear your voice again, give you hard time about the how great the Mavs are doing, just be able to pick up the phone and call you or text you for no reason... It's like you died. The hardest part... I know you're somewhere alive and well and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

I wish you could hear me... I wish you believed in how much I miss you... how much I love you. But you won't even listen anymore. To think about my life with anyone else but you feels wrong. To think about any other guy, I feel guilty. You still so much have my heart and I don't know if I'll ever get that back. I just wish I still had yours.