Is it a lie if you don't elaborate the truth??

I've been struggling with this for the past few days. Would it be a lie if you told the truth but not the whole truth? I mean nothing that came out of my mouth was a lie, I just thought it would be best to withhold the rest of the information. ---Why you may ask? Because....

This situation is not an easy one... it's more of an awkward one. If I tell the truth I can almost guarantee that I'll lose this friend again. Not because the truth is a bad thing but because it would make an already awkward situation... well... more awkward. But I feel like I'm withholding something I should say. So do I step out of my comfort zone, again per say, wear my heart on my sleeve, have that confidence that I have in my dreams and say the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God -OR- do I save my heartache, our friendship, and the feelings of others by living a lie?

It's a tough call because now I'm starting to wonder about the "what-ifs." What if I did tell the WHOLE truth and it didn't ruin the friendship? Would I feel better or worse about the situation if I just said everything I've needed to say for a really long time? I guess in some way I have been lying... maybe to this friend or maybe just to myself, trying to convince myself that either way is a good way to go. But I'm sure the friend would agree that it is better this way... leaving the whole truth out of it. We've been through it before and the truth got me to a point of regret, sadness, and our friendship in the pits. Do I really want to take that chance again? Do we become more understanding as we get older? I would hope so but wouldn't bet on it when it comes to this.

I guess now the real question that I'm asking myself is... is it a real friendship or not? I've been reevaluating the past few years and I think I'm realizing that who this person was a friend years ago left when they threw away our friendship the first time. I've been wanting that friend back but we've both gotten older, things in our lives have changed and we are not the same people. Still though-- You try to be a good person, put yourself out there as a friend, you open doors, you welcome them in, you make the effort, and sometimes you feel like you are the ONLY one taking those steps to make it all work and they take advantage of that when they want to, otherwise you're just another acquaintance to them-- maybe I'm wrong and this is just how they are but I haven't seen them stepping forward. I never had an expectation with our friendship but they have always made it seem like they thought I have. If ever even been given the chance to tell the whole truth the FIRST time they would understand that... but we were young and I don't think understanding was in this persons top priorities at the time.... Or listening skills weren't their forte because I tried explaining it all then. Only if I had the guts enough to say this to them... but again, its an awkward situation and I don't want to make it more of that.... whether it seems intentional or not-- and they would most likely take it as intentional.

I just feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard spot. Either I continue to lie to this "friend" for the sake of both of our feelings so that no one gets hurt, or I say it all and pray that God leads my choice of words, the friends choice of words, and both of hearts all back to Him so that it can be an honest God-centered friendship. I don't want to live with regret but I also don't want to live without this friend, whether they drive me insane with their lack of friendshiply skills or not.

Todays discovery: I thought I already knew life wasn't easy... but this just reassures the fact that I know that even in the smallest petty of situations- its not. UGH.

A pain in the neck... literally

The past few weekends I've woke up having this horrible horrible headache, starting in my neck and just taking over my whole head. It usually happens on Sundays, the day I spend mostly at home on the weekends. Last weekend I just stayed on my couch in misery all day trying to figure out why it wouldn't go away. Today, I got out and just tried dealing with it.

5 minutes down the road and it was gone. Hours of being headache free and I finally come back home. 5 minutes into being home and its back. WHAT IS IT!!!!!! I've felt emotional and alone the past few weeks. I want to be at home but I don't want to be by myself. I want to go out but don't want to go out alone. I don't know what it is. If people are here I'm fine. If I'm somewhere with someone I'm fine. If I'm here alone, headache. If I'm out alone, headache. Is it really the pain of loneliness? Or the stress I'm mounting on myself of every thing I need to be doing and being here alone just allows me to be reminded of that stress and those things?

I've never been one who likes to be a loner even though through high school, middle school, and elementary school I always felt that way. Honestly, if it wouldn't of been for my church friends and my cousins I would of really been a loner. I guess now that I've gotten older I still feel like that. Sometimes it feels like everyone around me has someone and I'm still alone. And I'm not just referring to a relationship. It has nothing to do with that. I mean they all just have someone there. I spend work in a quiet office with no one hardly ever there and then I come home to an empty apartment. It seems like I go days without human interaction. And everyone wonders why I always wanna be doing something with someone... who would want to come home to an apartment everyday and go to a solo job every morning? Maybe I need a dog....

This is just ramble of my emotions at the moment. It's not that moment of doubt, just that moment of needing to remind myself I really am not alone ( i have friends their all just busy, i have family but they have lives too), I do have something to look forward to in life (God has a plan for me, its just not going on my time and I need to work more on my patience), and I don't need pity (trust me, I don't want anyone helping me drag this out haha). I just need a few seconds for my spat of feelings then move on with everything. Only if the pain in my neck would go with it... literally.

So seriously head/neck ache....GO AWAY!!!!

Why can't you define who you are on your own...

Maybe this is because I've come to peace with being with just myself... but I've noticed how much other people are looking to each other to define who they are. That they can't live life, be happy, be themselves unless they are consumed in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Why though??? Why must we have someone else define who we are when all it really is doing is hiding what we are meant to be?

I've struggled with this a lot throughout the years. It's always felt like a pressure to have to be in a relationship, all because everyone else is doing it. For some it gives them confidence. They've become the "big man on campus" because they finally got a girl. For some its winning the game. "Can't win anywhere else, but once I have that guy/girl I'll be the biggest winner of all." Then it turns into "I won the prize and now its time to move onto the next game." For some it makes them feel beautiful. "He tells me I'm perfect... that no girl will ever compare." But then he breaks your heart and you find out that every girl has heard "that no girl will ever compare." For some its to fill a void of what has been lost (not just physically but emotionally too)... a friend, a family member, someone you really did love. Rebound sound familiar in this case?

I'm probably making this out to be a harsh reality, like I've been hurt one to many times so I don't believe in love or that being alone forever is where I want to be but don't be construed by the words above. I defiantly believe in love. I'm madly in love already. And I don't want to be alone forever, in fact I'm not alone now. I'm just in love and in the presence of something different than what everyone else out there is "searching" for. You can define who you are on your own, but it's not a path many of us want to take. We're afraid of what we might find out about ourselves along that journey. It's easier to be someone were not and let the judgment from someone else give us our definition. It is always nice to have someone along for the ride but so many seem to be choosing the wrong one. It's like when you lose your keys. You search high and low to find them and of course they are no where to be found. The moment you stop looking for them, they appear. I searched high and low to find someone to walk down that path of discovering who I am only to find that I wasn't finding anyone, including myself. The moment I stopped searching He walked up, grabbed my hand, and is leading me on journey no friend, family member or guy could ever take me down.

Along the way I've let go of a lot. I had packed my bags to full for this trip and the heavier they were the more tired I was becoming. You hit a point of wanting to give up, to just be done with it. What's left out there if I'm doing this alone!?! "So much is left out there for you my child, so much! And you're not alone! I am with you always! Now lets lighten this load you're dragging behind you and walk together." Those words ring over and over in my head every time I feel alone in this. I set out with one to many bags of just junk, and now I'm carrying nothing but my cross. And I'm not doing it alone! I've found everything that the term "searching" wasn't giving me and I didn't have to search at all. I just had to have faith. And to know that I can be me by God's definition, instead of someone else, is so much more worth it.

So what the love of my life doesn't curl up with me to watch movies, take me out to dinner, or buy me pretty things... He does wrap me in His arms, catches my tears, hears my unspoken cries, knows every hair on my head and showed His love for me by dying on a cross. You really want to try to compare that to what any guy/girl is going to give you?

Fall in love with the Lord first. Let that be your love story. Let Him be there with you so you're not alone. And once you've experienced that, a go round with every first available won't be necessary to find what "meant to be" is. God knows your happy ending... after all He is the one who wrote the book called "Your Life". Let the author do His job and write the way He wants to about His main character... you.

Oh take me out to the ball game...or the ocean??

Last night the family (all those related and those who I'm not related to but told I am) went to the Texas Rangers game. Oh baseball... the great American pass time. I have never understood why, but I will say I do enjoy the game. I might not be a sports buff and maybe the only way I know what's actually going on is by looking at the score board for an update, but still nonetheless I do enjoy a good game... until last night.

I just wanted a moment to rant about this because ooooohhhhh I was mad. Our seats were decent. I'm afraid of heights so sitting higher up does get me every time. But after 3 hours in one spot I tend to feel okay. 3 hours in that one spot last night though had me a little over the edge. Not the edge of the stadium of course.... but come on people!!! I understand at 16 we all think were the coolest thing since sliced bread and ice cream cones, but do we really need to wear our hair that big?? I mean yes, we do live in Texas, and EVERYTHING is bigger here... but I thought big hair went out a long time ago. For the first time I was actually interested in watching what was going on at home plate and who was up to bat... but I couldn't see ANYTHING because macho-dude in front of me thought it'd be cool to kill the universe and use as much hair product as he possibly could to get a wave going. Shouldn't all of us as fans be doing that around the 7th inning? Your hair made up for our silly baseball traditions dude, so thanks for that! OH...And yes, I did say he. The 16 year old with big hair was a HE. Bestie told me it wasn't just the hair... that he did have a big head too. Probably came from that ego he was carrying around with him.

Honestly though... here's how I see it: If you're going to come to a game and you want to wear your hair that high either 1. Watch the game. I would of been ok with your hair/head blocking my view of the game if you would of actually watched the game and been interested in it instead of hitting on your girlfriend who obviously wasn't into PDA the whole time. OR 2. Buy two tickets because I'm pretty sure that hair of yours could of counted for 2 people. OR 3. Bring a surf board so who ever is sitting behind you can hang 10 while everyone else enjoys the game, because we all know I didn't get to see any of it anyways. Would of been nice and a common courtesy to provide me some entertainment since you took away the entertainment I paid to see.

Kids.... big hair is not in... no matter how cool you think you are... Big hair just ruins the night for the people (short people at that) who sadly get stuck behind you. Remember that for the rest of your lives!!!! Geesh.... the things parents forget to teach their children these days.

Importance of Community, New Orleans 2002

It was the summer before my Sophomore year of high school. Me and few members from our church went to New Orleans (pre Katrina) for a missions trip. I had never been on one before and didn't know what to expect. Only 5 of us from the youth went, and only 4 of us really knew each other. I was so nervous being so far from home doing something I had never done before, but if it wouldn't had been for this experience I don't think I would have the desire to do this of which has been on my heart from the day this picture was taken.

We were in New Orleans for about a week. We did a lot of things and went a lot places while we there. I don't remember exactly what day in the schedule this picture was taken but I do remember exactly what we were doing. That morning we were told that we were going to go spend some time at the projects... Well wait.... FIRST... let me set the stage for you.

When we first arrived in New Orleans we met up with another group from Arkansas. A member from a sister church of ours down there met up with us to lead us into the part of New Orleans we were staying in. It was about early evening or so as we drove into town. We were all so excited to finally be there after SOOOOO many hours of being in a car. We drove over the bridge and into the area we were staying. Whats the first thing we see?? A massive group of people all crowded around the outside of an apartment building (in the projects) and cops bringing guys out in hand cuffs. Not the most comforting sight. Where we staying?? Oh... maybe 5 or so minutes from this area. I was scared out of my mind. I don't think I was the only one too. The guys that came along with us I think we're having their fair share of shaking in their boots moments too. We heard sirens all night... and this was the area we were going to be doing missions in???

So back to the day of that picture.... Now that the stage has been set and you know where we are staying. That morning we were told we were going to spend some time in the projects. The first thing that popped into my head was that image of all that was happening on the first day while driving in. I was a nervous wreck! I wasn't ready to die! (So immature of me to be thinking like that but hey I was only 14 at the time) When we arrived, a group went out to knock on doors to let people know we would be down in the common area around the apartments and if the kids wanted to come and play they were more than welcome. We didn't come with anything fabulous (just some bouncy balls, bubbles, things of that sort which I find ABSOLUTELY fabulous but I'm just different) but you would of thought these kids were on cloud 10! They surpassed cloud 9 in case you were wondering. I don't think it was so much the materialistic things we brought but more the meaningful things. We can with open and loving arms. We came with time to be spent solely on them. We came with no knowledge of who each of these children were. We were just ready and willing to love them to the max!!! The picture above was with the little girl I grew so attached to in just those few moments. You can see a corner of a small face at the bottom of the picture too. I look at this picture and it melts my heart every time I see that smile of hers. We weren't doing anything big and special... just time in the community which turned out to be the most important thing. TIME. It's such a small word but can mean SO much to someone. We might have made an impact for a moment that day, but she made an impact on me for a life time.

Ever since that day I've wanted to continue that moment. That moment of community that was shared. It's always been on my heart but was never anything I sought after doing. Now I'm seeking. I'm spending time in prayer asking God to lead me to the right place, the right people, the right communities for this. You must first receive love to be able to give love. I have received the utmost abundance of love from our Lord and I want to share it. I want to give love to those who haven't received so that they may be able to give that same love to someone else some day. Right now this all just a prayer but is becoming more realistic. Community love is so important. Loving your neighbor is so important. It's all a work in progress but I'm hoping someday soon being able to go from community to community and share moments like this picture above will be possible. I don't want anything from it. I've already been given everything I need including the air I breathe from the Lord most high. Now I want to share that because it is not my own, but that of His.

'Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.' The second command is this: 'Love your neighbor as you love yourself.' There are no commands more important than these. Mark 12:30-31

You wanna piece of me??

"You wanna piece of me??"

Every time I hear those words I hear my grandpas voice in his ...whats left of a Brooklyn accent... and then the loud "Ehhhhh??" he puts after it. You hear someone say that and you think of them putting up the fist ready to fight...defend themselves. I've been saying those words a lot lately but not in that way. My "You wanna piece of me??" is more of a "Hey come take what you want... you wanna piece of my heart?? Well here ya go!" Instead of putting up my defense and protecting myself, I open my arms and say go for it!

Stupid stupid stuuuuupid idea.

Now I'm asking myself... "WHAT on earth were you thinking!?!?!"

Where is my heart now I wonder... probably in some distant land. I've given pieces of it away so many times that I'm sure its just traveled all around. I don't like to say I'm living with regret but in a way I am.

I know... I know... you're thinking "how do you just kinda live with regret... its either you do or you don't..."

Here's the deal... I regret one thing and one thing only. Giving my heart to so many who I should of known weren't the ones meant for it... when I should of been giving it to God to make it pure and whole so it will be ready to give to the right one. I don't want to end up giving a heart that's in pieces. I don't want to end up with it sitting on shelf all tattered and frayed... scarred and worn... barely beating anymore. I don't want to put a cast on it and pretend that its getting better underneath. I want it actually healed. I want it whole. I want it pure. I want it to be Gods to put in the right place...

At the right time...

With the right person.

Then it hit me... If you want a piece of me... GO THROUGH GOD FIRST!!! He has my heart and if that's what you're looking for, you must first be seeking Him and He rightfully gets to make the decision whether or not this is the right thing. After all... I am His and He is in control... right? If it's what I truly believe then it's what I need to be truly living.

And for the millionth time... I give back the control. And the only one I want having every piece of me is Him.

A Joyful Noise...

"Come, let's sing for joy to the Lord. Let's shout praises to the Rock who saves us. Let's come to him with thanksgiving. Let's sing songs to him, because the Lord is the great God, the great King over all gods." Psalm 95:1-3

Last night I once again had the opportunity to join up with thousand of others at the American Airlines Center for the Rock and Worship Roadshow. It still amazes me every time I go... that that many people would spend $10 each to come in to listen to Christian bands and praise God with thousands of others. I've blogged before about how important I feel that is to pray together. Worship to me seems just that much more important. I do believe in time spent alone with God... way more than I do doing it together... but there is something special about all God's people coming together to make a joyful noise for Him. It so humbling to see and watch and know that every single person in that place is somewhere different in their life... some might have not even wanted to be there but they still came... some might not of been believers.... some might have been living a life that didn't exalt our Lord but still made it a point to be there.... He brought every one of those people there for a reason and to think that we were all there because God had a reason for us is such a beautiful thing. To think that He took the time to make a way for each of those to get there. To think that He took the time to make it something for each of us in some way... Oh how amazing is our God. That He has the time for so many but yet it still feel so personal with Him. How can you deny His love? How can you deny Him? After He sent His one and only Son for us to die up on that cross. You don't have to be a church goer... that doesn't make you a Christian. Being a Christian is a relationship. It's something you live not something you do. And as they said last night... and this hit me just the way God needed it to hit me... When you fall in love with someone, you never stop talking about them... you consume yourself in that love. It's not something you want to do... it just comes natural. When you fall in love with Jesus ... going out and doing it "right" isn't something you just want to do... it just happens because you are consumed in Him, you are in love with Him.

The most amazing moment last night... Bart from Mercy Me led us in Amazing Grace a'capella. The first verse the entire stadium sang together, second verse the ladies, and then again the first verse just the men that time. It was the most beautiful sound. We didn't have to be the best singers, but it still made the most breath taking noise... it still made a joyful noise for the Lord.

Day 59

It's been 59 days since you walked out that door and I fell to floor in tears. It's been 56 days since I last heard your voice, saw your face, looked in your eyes, held your hand, felt you close. It's been 25 days since I've had any response in contact from you. It's been 7 days since I last tried to be your friend. It's been 3 nights since I've been able to sleep. It's been 2 hours since I last cried about you. And its been 0 seconds since I last thought about you.

I can say I'm ok all I want... that this is ok. I can get up, put a smile on my face, walk out the door and live this life and no one even know a thing is wrong. Truth is though, I've gotten really good at pretending. Truth is... this is not ok. And the real truth is... I'm not ok. Sunday night I met up with a friend and we drove somewhere in my car together. Place we left her car? It just happened to be the last place I saw you... the exact spot that we stood saying good bye. I dropped her back off that night at her car. It was dark outside just like it was that night... parking lot was half empty just like it was that night. I drove out there with that same "this is the worse thing I've ever done" feeling in the pit of my stomach. I set there getting ready to turn out of the parking lot just like I did that night and looked in my rear view mirror and the only thing I could still see was your car still sitting there. 2 months later and the only thing I ever see when I look in my rear view mirror is your car, the guilt of leaving that parking lot, the feeling of never wanting to let go of you.

I miss you so much that its killing me inside. I sit here at night on my couch and its like a movie just playing in front of me. I see us still laughing in the kitchen making a mess with chocolate, you trying to take pictures of me when you think I'm not looking, trying to prove that I'm not stronger than you by pushing my hands and making me slide across the floor. I can hear you making fun of all my house shoes, singing all those silly songs that you knew would get stuck in my head and drive me crazy, trying to convince me fish eggs won't kill me, telling me "I know I don't have to, but I want to." I miss everything about you. You were my best friend.

I still remember the day I told you I missed you. You were out of town for work. I had already ditched a phone call with you because I was trying to watch movies but texting was ok because I could still pay attention. You said something about being able to read my mind or that I was so predictable. I told you to predict what it was that I was thinking... you guessed for hours. It was so cute. You never would of predicted that it was that I missed you. You had waited so long to hear me say that to you again. I had never stopped missing you, I was just scared to tell you. Those times you would fall asleep during a movie, I would just sit there and look at you. I would memorize every inch of you face so when you weren't here I could see it in my mind. I always knew I would miss you when you weren't here, I just never thought I would have to miss you like this.

When I said I missed you, I said it because it's what I felt and I meant it. When I said I cared about you it was because I cared about you more than you would ever know. When I said I love you, I said it because my heart had never felt love like that before and I wanted nothing more than to shout to the whole world. It took me so long to get to where we were. I had never been so happy. I never wanted to stop smiling. I still got chills every time you held my hand, I still felt all the blood rush to my face when you looked at me, my stomach went into flutters every single time you kissed me. Not once did I not feel any of that. It was every time.

At this point, you had become so much apart of my life, apart of me, apart of my heart... that I don't even feel like I'm living my life anymore. It doesn't feel like my life without you in it. You were apart of it... and it's been ripped away. Tears stream down my face all the time. To think I'll never hear your voice again, give you hard time about the how great the Mavs are doing, just be able to pick up the phone and call you or text you for no reason... It's like you died. The hardest part... I know you're somewhere alive and well and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

I wish you could hear me... I wish you believed in how much I miss you... how much I love you. But you won't even listen anymore. To think about my life with anyone else but you feels wrong. To think about any other guy, I feel guilty. You still so much have my heart and I don't know if I'll ever get that back. I just wish I still had yours.

Never goodbye...

I know I've mentioned before that all I want is understanding some time... I over think... A LOT. As where most of my post tend to come from... me over thinking. But just when I think I had it all figured out I'm thrown for the biggest loop of it all. Now its my fault? Like... seriously? Because that was never made known to me. I guess the question of today is "How are you supposed to know you are doing something wrong if no one points it out to you?"

I've had friendships in the past that the easiest thing about them was just letting them go... letting them fade. You never had to say why... you just stop calling, stop texting, stop talking. No reason is ever given. If asked, then yes... I would explain but aren't some things just better left unsaid? Eh... depends on who you are asking. Why can't the same common courtesy be given to me though? If I ask "What happened here... how did we get to this point?" you would think the other person would know right? Especially if you really were the problem... or maybe they were the problem and they just can't admit it. Now I'm just rambling as I normally do. But if I ask... its because I really want to know. How can 2 people invest so much time, so much heart, just... so much... into a friendship and then just not know what happened?? One of us knows and I think it is their right to inform the other if asked!! If the friendship is over... why keep on keeping secrets.

It's funny how you realize who your real friends are.. and who, the friends you thought were the real friends, really are. Some times it takes making major changes in your life to see who is good for you and who isn't. I hate to say that I'm in that spot right now... with more than 1 person. I've had to walk away from someone I really care about because I realized how much just their attitude was bringing me down and how much of an influence they were being on me. It sucks. I'll always be there for this person but it's different now... way different than before. And its not that they changed... I changed. I used to be able to deal with it because I was just like them... and I was miserable as that person. I don't want to go back to being them. I'll always love this person and I'll still always be a friend to them but it will never be the same. Sad thing is... I'm at that spot where just letting it fade is easier than telling them flat out.

And now here's where I'm the hypocrite....

With the other person, its the total opposite. They walked away from me... giving no reason. And after asking time and time again "what happened?" I get the words "maybe it's not always the other person in this Lex... something to think about." Really? Because I thought things were great till you up and walked away from me. I called you my best friend, I loved you, I put all I had into this... and that's what I get? Then it hit me... for them, walking away was the easiest part of that friendship... and all they wanted was easy... because when the tough gets going... then so do they... hightailing it the heck outta here. And there's your true colors... hmmm I thought something seemed off about everything between us. But after it all, I'm still here and I'll always be your friend despite what has happened. I'll always still love you and I'll always still care... and I hope you get the best life has to offer.

Ha... I write that like they are going to read it. Who knows... maybe they will. I don't want either of these to be goodbyes because goodbyes are too emotional... a "I'll see ya around sometime" works a lot better for me. But how can I be such a hypocrite? Am I taking the easy way out with the first friendship... I mean I think we both know that its kinda at that place and for the both of us, it might just be best to not talk about it. If they ever did ask, I would totally explain and like I said I'll still always be there but it will never be the same again. Person 2 told me they were walking away and they did just that. Had no reason to give... so they say. And then suddenly they have reasons, don't want to explain them, and its all my fault??

It hurts... and whether we call it the easy way out or not, none of it really easy or there isn't an easiest way out of it when you really think about it...

So... to 2 people who have meant more to me than I could ever express... You'll always be apart of my heart, and I'll always love you both... it will never be goodbye for us... and saying "see ya around" is not easy... but it is for the best.

Power of prayer...

It's an amazing thing. There isn't anything that could or will ever be able to compare to what prayer can do.



I had some time with a mentor of mine today. We discussed a lot that had been on my mind and I'm becoming so much more honest about myself with myself. We got on the topic of relationships, whether it be romantic, family, or friend wise. This mostly applies to the romantic relational aspect of things though. After going through the go rounds of where I put my heart out on line before, my mentor asked me... "do you really know what you want in that future mate??, because it seems as if you've just been testing the waters." The funny part about it is... yeah I know exactly what I want but here's the sad part... I've always felt as if I didn't deserve it. I know someone who sets the example of exactly what God and I have talked about together but I feel like he deserves better than me. I feel as if he is so much more spiritually advanced than I am. So I've taken myself down to a level of what "I think" I deserve... not what God thinks.



I long so deeply to have that relationship with someone where we can share our passion for the Lord together. The guys I've dated... yeah they've been Christian... or at least claimed to be. But while talking about all this today I realized, every relationship I've been in has never been that relationship where we could sit down and pray together. I've prayed for every relationship I've been in, taken it to God and done my best to make Him center of it... but if he isn't doing the same then it all stays one sided. I was reading through the book of James today (it's my favorite so I tend to read it a lot) and I came across this verse:



"Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with." James 5:16



Praying together is just as important as praying separately. Praying for each other is SOOOO important. And a man that isn't afraid to pray out loud... ask for prayer... I find that as the most amazing quality. I long for that, to share that with the one God has molded me to be with. And I haven't found that. Maybe that's where I've been going wrong... I know every time I get into this that at that point when I know that prayer is not something that can easily be set out on the table and we take advantage of that opportunity together, that its not right... but I keep pushing for that. Why?? Because I think this is what I deserve... someone who claims to be all the Christian stuff, goes to church, has "some" morals... but doesn't act on them 24/7... their only a part time Christian. I can't do that. I'm at a point now where I'm not craving these worldly things but I crave the word of God, I crave to praise Him, worship Him, do for Him.... and if I can't share that with someone who is so much a part of my life that I could consider spending the rest of my life with them... then its not right. I deserve what God has planned for me... and I can't settle for less than that in this life.

I'm running this race... going for one prize and one prize only. And for this future guy... I pray he is running that race for the same prize and has that same desire.

Just another bump in the road...

Sadly, that's how I feel. Again I just became someone elses bump in the road. And once they kicked it back into gear, 4 wheel drive, however you want to put it, and move on down the road... I'm smashed back into that ground just a little more. I've asked myself over and over and over again "What is it? Why me? Why let the feelings get this far? Why let me fall to know that in the end I'm only going to end up here? Why God... just tell me why?" At this point, God is the only one who can give me those answers because I haven't gotten one from all those drivers that have just gotten over this bump in the road.

When does the understanding and the healing take place... I mean for real? I have the good days, the days of being over it.... but then all the unanswered questions begin to linger once again. Whats so wrong with me? Why does it have to be my heart again? Prayer after prayer I asked for guidance, I prayed to be directed the right way, I gave the control of my life to the Almighty, but still why? Believe me... this drive home today was not a pretty one between God and I. As much as I hate saying that, its the truth. I was so angry, still so hurt, still so broken. This porcelain heart can only be glued back together so many times until the glue just stops working all together.
I played one CD the whole 6 hours home today.... over and over and over. And one song by the end of this trip just seemed as if it was playing louder than all the rest every time it came on...

I know it seems

Like this could be

The darkest day you've known

But believe you me

The God of strength

Will never let you go

He will overcome, I know

And the arms that hold the universe

Are holding you tonight

You can rest inside

It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging sea

Is calling you His child

So be still and know He's in control

He will never let you go

Through many dangers, toils and snares

You have already come

His grace has brought you safe this far

(And) His grace will lead you home

And the arms that hold the universe

Are holding you tonight

You can rest inside

It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging sea

Is calling you His child

So be still and know He's in control

He will never let you go

You can hope, you can rise, you can stand

He has still got the whole world in His hands

You can hope, you can rise, you can stand

He's still got the whole world, the whole world in His hands

And the arms that hold the universe

Are holding you tonight

You can rest inside

It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging sea

Is calling you His child

So be still and know He's in control

He will never let you go

He will never let you go

(He's) Still got the whole world in His hands in His hands

Still got the whole world in His hands

(Arms That Hold the Universe - Fee)

How can I question Him... the one who can hold the entire universe in His hands, question the one who is in control?? He knows exactly what He's doing, how He's going to do it, when He's going to do it, and He knows I will make it through. I realized today... to all those I've just been another "bump in the road" to, you've become my sign of direction down a new path that just brings me closer back to Him. This porcelain heart belongs elsewhere... not in this world or to its worldly things. God's preparing me, molding me, and making me into the one I need to be... for myself, for Him, for this world, and someday for that special someone... and He will never let me go... He'll never get over me, give up on me, or go around me. I'll never be His bump in the road.

Taking on the small ones...

It's been put on my heart for awhile... and for once in my life, I feel like following my heart more than ever... stepping out of the box and going for it. After a few blogs ago about my little cousin and her being at the "impressionable" age, her and her sister have been on my mind constantly. And then after the sermon this week at church I have finally decided its something I desire so much to do... Minister to them. I've been so about "getting involved" lately but didn't know where to start. Then it hit me... like a ton of tons... I've had an open opportunity sitting right here staring me in the face for the longest of times.

I called both of them tonight and talked to them. I offered to them to start a bible study... just for girls. 2 Fridays a month they, and some of their friends, can come over eat dinner and we just talk and have a small bible study in the midst of the fun. I remember that meaning so much to me at their age. To have someone older than me want to take me in and spend time with me, wanna know me, be a positive influence on me. I thought I was hot stuff when that kinda thing came about. Being that age (6th-middle school age) was not easy for me. And I imagine it's not for them either. But one thing I have learned and that has stuck with me for so long is those were the years when I had those mentors, when I learned the most about what it means to be a daughter of our loving Lord. And I want them to walk away knowing how loved they are, how beautiful they are, that life isn't always easy but they always have someone there for them. It seems like heartbreaks start so much younger these days too... and I'm not here to try to prevent them (we all know I'm no good at it myself and we know that I can't make that happen...) but at least to help be a guide in how to handle it Christ like.

So... I'm asking all to keep me their prayers. That I might speak only His words, show only His actions, and be nothing but a reflection of Him to these girls as I take on their young hearts, young minds, and impressionable years. I'm excited to doing this, especially for 2 of the most special girls in my life. I love them like little sisters and to hear them say how much they look up to me has meant the world in the past and caused me to strive to be a better person and present myself in a Godly-womanly manner. And pray for them, for they are so young and have so much ahead of them in life. That God will direct them and keep theirs paths straight, their hearts and minds pure and focused on Him and not that of their worldly desires.

It all starts this Friday night (fingers crossed). And for the journey ahead... to Him all be the glory and honor, Amen.

Monkeys in a barrel...

I always wondered what the point of it all was. I guess at that age I was either to excited to be playing with them that I never read the instructions... or I didn't know how to read. I would go with the first of the 2... because I am smart, and I could read. I just chose not to. (Thats what we'll go with here) Anyways, I thought about it this morning. I remember always taking the monkeys out, hooking one on the side of the barrel and then setting it on the edge of the table. I would continue hooking the monkeys, linking them together by the arms. I would always try to see how many I could link together before the barrel fell off the side of the table. I remember never getting very far. I did go back and read the real rules today, just because I was curious, and it is an actual game and that is not how you play. Oh well. At that young of an age it worked for me.

So you're probably wondering why I even thought about such a thing as monkeys in a barrel. Maybe because I'm crazy?? Naw. Maybe because I'm weird?? Possibly. Maybe because I'm me and I just think like that?? That's it! No no... nothing like that. I do have a logical reason for my thinking. Yesterday I had made a comment "Today I make one hand free by letting go so that I might have that extra hand to hold on tighter to the Lord." I was thinking about that again this morning. I've been holding on so tightly with one hand to things (people) other than God. I have one hand up at God doing my best to hold tight, but then I have this other thing I'm holding tight... and that thing is holding tight to something, and that holding tight to something and so on and so on. Its like the monkeys in a barrel... I would start with just one. Thats fine. But then I would link another...ok... no problem. But then there would be another and another and another until the first one was so weighed down it would just tip the whole thing over causing the whole thing to fall off the table. I started thinking about it. There is enough room around the barrel to hook each monkey so why do they all have to weigh each other down.

We can all let go of holding on to each other and weighing each other down. Then we'll have the strength to hold on tighter to God and you won't have to worry about the others around you because then they will have both hands free and could be doing the same. You can do it side by side with encouragement... but hand in hand causes the pulling back, bringing down. God is strong to hold all of us at the same time. That's what we have to remind ourselves the next time we start linking all the monkeys to us.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

And I do forget that of what I did once know....

Back in 2006, I hit a point that is very similar to the one I'm in right now. Heart break is what it was to be exact. I had dealt with that for months and months. And for months and months that year I already knew what you are about to read... it just took me 8 months to admit that to myself. Whats in bold below crossed my mind today. I wrote it back in November of 2006. It's funny how years later something that you once knew is something that you just totally forget. I wouldn't say I ever forgot it... but I got to a point of not believing it for awhile, to a certain extent. Something called me to read it again... to remind myself... this is what love is, and nothing or no one can take this love from me.

November 13, 2006

This feeling I hold is like no other. It's been a long time, if ever, that I've felt this way. I've finally found what I've been looking for, forever, I guess you could say. The love of my life has been right in front of me for so long but I just couldn't see it. Hearing him speak this weekend made me realize how blind I've been to it all. It's turned my heart in ways I can't explain. I'm in love and there's no way anyone can ever take it from me. This man I can't even describe. Words could never be enough to explain how wonderful he is. My eyes light up at the thought of him and my heart skips a beat every time I feel him near. Butterflies fill my stomach every time I speak of him. A smile fills my face hearing his name. My life has been nothing to this point. He's everything I've been looking for and completes me like no other. I'm truly the luckiest woman ever. He listens and never judges... promises he will never leave me and will always love me forever. What more could any woman ever ask for. I just hate that I've been a fool so long and never realized it before. I've grown up with him and he's been right in front of me this whole time. How stupid could I have been to let the love of my life just pass me by over and over. I could have never asked for a better friend. He's been there to listen to me every time I've needed him. He's watched the tears fall and comforted me when they hit the pillow. He gave it all up for me so I could have this wonderful life I live everyday. The love of my life is not just any man... he is Jesus Christ. I live for this man and he is the prince in my life. I've finally found the love that I've longed for.
My heart is his and he will never break it. I could not ask for a better love.


Being reminded by my self of something I myself tried to tell so many hits harder than hearing it from even the ones you care most about. I know God has a reason in all this. (If you all haven't noticed by now... I don't deal with breakups well... especially when your feelings hit the point mine did... which hasn't happened in years). But I do believe God places some people in your life just to get you back on track. And yeah... unfortunately sometimes it takes a big bad event to make you realize that you're not on track, but you pick up your pieces, you pick up your life, you pick up your cross and you carry on... following Him. No one said it would be easy... but the reward is worth every trial, every bit of pain, every heart break, and every moment of struggle.

Why does the English language allow so many meanings of one word...

For instance... Space (n)... it has 19 different meanings (according to dictionary.com) and that's just in noun form. The 11th meaning of "space" -- extent, or a particular extent, of time. The 12th meaning of "space" -- an interval of time; a while.

Do some people not know that one word can mean so many different things. I'M A SPECIFICS KINDA PERSON!!!! I need to be in the know. So which meaning of space do you want... because ya know, space can go on and on and on and on and on.... ect... forever. Is that the space we are referring to here? I wouldn't know because I haven't been told.

Funny how a woman's mind would work like this... but a guy says space and he would never even begin to think... I wonder which space I mean by saying "space". It's frustrating when trying to learn that the way I feel and think and express emotions and love and care is going to be different than the way someone else does. You'll never find another you I guess is what I'm getting at. Thankfully, I'm blessed to have a set of friends (Aunt and Uncle to be exact) that understand what I'm going through. I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE, THANK YOU GOD!!!! She's on my side of this space thing. The word space is like a stab to the heart for a girl... even if that's not the intentions. Him on the other hand... he says space is just space. But that's the complexity of the male and female minds. We, as women, want to so badly to be loved in the same way we are giving it. We think that if you don't show it that way that hey... maybe you don't feel the same way. Then we tell you that... and you think... hey maybe you're right. But what I'm having to learn and I mean really really learn is it isn't going to be the same. That's what makes it so special too. Uncle had to explain this to me.... Sometimes women just talk, and we as men don't like to talk, so we listen because we like hearing you talk. Then you talk to much... and all you're saying becomes all we're thinking. And we think... since we don't feel or think the same as you that we are doing something wrong. So sometimes you just need to not talk so much. Sometimes you need to give us that "space" so we can think for ourselves and realize all these things on our own.

Oh this is so hard. Patience has been my prayer for today. Lord, just give me patience. The best that I can do now is just learn to give space.... and not try to find its meaning by actually invading the space. It sucks... Just FYI. Big time. Thankfully... Aunt understands what I'm going through because her and Uncle have been there, so she's been a wonderful shoulder to lean on. I know I'm not alone in this. God is there with me. But it's also nice to know that God has people in my life that understand and have placed them in a spot to give me a little bit of another perspective besides the one I keep giving myself. Not to say they are right or wrong.... So I try to not see into it to literally, but Uncles words have helped.... He's helped me see it from the male point of view. And I get it... I just have a hard time accepting it. I feel like if I give space, I'm giving up. And Aunt said she felt the same way, but trust in God. He has a plan and if this space is short lived or for forever... either way it will be what God wants for you both.... Sigh... Again... Dude, God just give me paaaaaaaaaatience.

On a better note... I did some retail therapy today... some modest retail therapy of course. I'm a "I'm on a budget" gal these days... but buying a new purse helped me feel just a tad bit better for a moment. Now I'm just looking forward to going out and using it. YAY!

Sigh.... (and it is a really big one at this point)

And again... Lord, patience. That and You is all I need.

To again be a sixer....

And by sixer... I totally mean 6th grader. And yes this is post number 2 for today... but I didn't want to mix them together just because they are totally different subjects.

I spent some time at my aunts this afternoon. While I was there I volunteered to take on straightening my 11 year old cousins hair. She asked me over and over again... are you sure you want to do this... like really you will... youre really sure? I finally just said... ya know what, if you ask again I'm just gonna say no. So she took up my offer and we went to work. This girl has so much hair too... you have NO IDEA!!!!

Anywho.... there is a real point to this blog, I promise. So just bare with me as I ramble. As we set in the bathroom and I took on this massiveness of a mane (haha) we just started talking. She opened up (after going on and on and on about how good she thought I was at everything... ha if she only knew). I learned a lot about what an 11 year old thinks and processes in their head. Oh young minds... how so impressionable they are... but yet how quickly they get over stuff. Made me wish I could so totally just move on like she does. She went on and on about this boy that she was "going out" with... and then how they can just break up, this guy move on to her best friend and they still be such good buds. I told her she is to young to be dating (she should so be waiting till she's 30 for that kinda stuff) and her response to me was... "but there are so many hot guys out there and I need a chance to get to them all." I thought now... oh dear I so need to make my impression now!!! Please don't float around. You are so beautiful not only on the outside but on the inside too and someday moving on won't be this easy and you'll want as few of these heart breaks as possible. Guard your heart! I know its hard but guard it!!!!!!!! She told me she knows a lot more than I think she does... and she listens to anything and everything everyone says. Like I said... so impressionable at that age. I pray she never hits heart ache like I have and this "chance to get to them all" stage will move on quickly.

As we finished her hair she thanked me and told me it meant so much that I did so good... but I hope she took a lot more than how beautiful she looked from those 30 mins we spent together.

You get a new life, and you get a new life, and you get a new life...

Sounds like "you get a car, and you get a car..." Funny how life can be a new life without ever leaving a place and not changing much, except for a few minor things such as how you spend the first hour of your morning, or the first one you go to with a problem, or how you even react in a situation.

I was thinking hard today about all the things I want to do with this "new life." It's not that I haven't had the "new life" feeling before. I've had to start over many a times. But this time is different. The way I see things is differently and this time I'm striving harder than ever to make the "new life" work and not go back to where I was before. It's a new beginning... and every morning is a new start with a new conversation and a new prayer and new part of me that I didn't know existed before. Like I said when I started this blog thing... I'm learning things about myself that I never knew... and I thought I knew me pretty well.

On another note... I so totally woke up this morning with that "you get a new life" repeating over and over in my head... and I so badly wanted to say "So God... does this mean "you get a new car" too?".... yeah didn't think so. :) And I'm sure He totally laughed when I thought that...

Crazy how it works, isn't it?

This morning I set down and read 1 Peter. It was on my mind for some reason. I had so many things pop out at me as I read that pertained so much to all that I'm going through. I'll share those in the midst of this, but there was one scripture that cried out to me as I read it. It's crazy how it went along so well with what I talked about yesterday... Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. 1 Peter 2:2-3.
Since my... oh melt down i guess you would call it... this past Sunday night... I guess you could say I've realized that I was tasting from all the "oh so good" plates and totally passing over the best one of them all. I had no place else to turn to except back to God, and I think (well I know) that's exactly what He wanted me to do. I had gone so far from where I needed to be and was tasting from all these plates that would soon go empty. They never had time to refill because I just kept taking and taking from them. I wasn't going for the plate that would always remain full. And its not that He wants me so much to stay away from these other plates, but He wants me to taste whats on His too (more than the rest) and not just get stuck scarfing down one of the others. As long as I know His plate will remain filled and that I can eat all I want from it, its ok to go to the others and have some but in moderation. Its like mom telling you you cant have dessert before you've eaten your dinner. I can't have love, a relationship, and all the above, till I first take in what I have on His plate that He has given me (the love with Christ, the relationship with Him.) Otherwise... I will never grow strong (spiritually) and I'll end up tired and full on junk which does nothing good for my life. He will provide the "sweet tasty things" when I'm healthy enough to manage them. That might not make ANY sense to anyone but my mind is going crazy with these things.
If you haven't caught on by now, I'm dealing with major heart break. The heart break had led to a lot of good things. I've turned my tables back to God and I'm getting to a place in my relationship with Him I've never been at before. (For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls. 1 Peter 2:25) Its a wonderful feeling. But the heart ache is still there and its made me so sick this week. I've leaned more on the Lord than I think I ever have and I'm seeing a difference in myself and its only been a week. I've had to remove the burdens I was carrying... and man were they heavy.. Forgiveness is an amazing thing (Humble yourselves, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7) I think that's been the hardest part. Giving it all to Him. I'm such a "on my time" kinda person that I want it all fixed now or I wanna do it my way, but my way and my time are getting me: no appetite, no sleep, constant worry, and anxiety beyond any that I've ever felt. Does me no good at all. I just have to trust in the Lord that he taking care of me just like the scripture says. He has a plan for my life, and it might not be the plan I have. I just have to trust that He knows what He's doing and in time, my heart will heal and life will be good as long as I walk with Him.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10

Mmmmmhhhhh, Taste so good....

So there are those moments... where you get just a little taste of something so so good. Typically, and most of the time... by time I taste this I'm either one of two things. 1- I'm so full already but I keep tasting and tasting till I'm nearly sick. or 2- I'm so hungry that I just can't get enough of it. Then in that case I have to much and end up sick in the end too.

It's like my life right now (and you'll notice I do have a tendency to relate life situations to the strangest of things at times). I've had a taste of something so good. Something I haven't tasted in so long that I forgot what it was all about. And all I wanted was more... more more more. So I kept going for more. And in the end I didn't know where to stop. I didn't know when enough was enough, that I was about to make myself sick. It was so good that I never wanted it to go away. So I kept taking and taking till there wasn't anything left to take. Now my plate is empty. I'm sick. And what was so good is now gone and I didn't savor any of it. Man it's a sucky situation.

Finally a place...

It seems as if I always have so much on my mind and no place to put it. I could easily type it all out and hide it away, but sometimes sharing it makes me feel as if what I just wrote was even worth my while.

Over the past 4 days its like my life has hit, as my grandpa put it, the pits. Actually... I wouldn't say its been the past 4 days... its been a long time coming. The last 4 days have just been me finally dealing with it and trying to find a place for all these emotions to go. Trying to find a reason. Trying to do it all my own. If I have learned anything these past 4 days... it has been these 3 things. 1) You won't always understand everything. Pastor told us on Sunday that even Solomon, who was in his opinion a very wise man, couldn't understand the way a man was with a maiden... of course he couldn't.... look at how many wives the man actually had. But your not expected to understand it all. Not everything has a reason is what I'm slowly learning. Sometimes... it just happens and you have to go with it despite the fact that all you want is a reason or understanding. God has a plan for what He's doing. That there should really be reason enough. 2) I thought I knew me... but man was I wrong. There is still so much that even I myself don't know about .... well... myself. Sad, I know. But I find it exciting in a way I guess. 3) I can't do this alone. I've been trying... kinda. I've been trying to do with the help of way to many actually. To many of the wrong people when the one I should of been saying "hey dude... gotta a min, kinda need some help down here" I was just totally ignoring. That's right... I so just totally called God "dude". But we're tight like that... and it works for us.

Tonight, I think I've hit every emotion from top to bottom. From stress, to sadness, to heart break.... to heart ache, to happiness, to anger, to tired, to you name it I'm sure I hit it. I'm a fighter, not so much literally, even though I do tend to like to drag out an argument for no reason but just to argue and get to the point of "Ok, ok you're right." But a fighter in a way of I fight for what I fell is right. And for this moment, I didn't. I walked away from something I want to fight so badly for. Something that means so much. But I've been fighting for far to long and I'm tired. Walking away felt like the most wrong thing I have ever done in my life. Driving home I prayed, I cried, I screamed, I got angry, and God listened. To have this moment while driving is probably not the best moment to have it because I just went into shock... and I've felt it before but its been far far far far to long. I finally felt His arms wrapped around me. I felt His presence in that car with me as I drove screaming at the top of my lungs, "Lord just get me home." Oh... He got me home alright. Right home to Him. He's here. He's taking care of me. And in the moments I for some stupid reason think that He's not... well from here on out I'll just scream out... it seemed to work this time. But no matter how loud I yell... actually yell or siliently yell from within if that make sense, He hears and knows my cries and prayers before I even speak them.