The past few weekends I've woke up having this horrible horrible headache, starting in my neck and just taking over my whole head. It usually happens on Sundays, the day I spend mostly at home on the weekends. Last weekend I just stayed on my couch in misery all day trying to figure out why it wouldn't go away. Today, I got out and just tried dealing with it.
5 minutes down the road and it was gone. Hours of being headache free and I finally come back home. 5 minutes into being home and its back. WHAT IS IT!!!!!! I've felt emotional and alone the past few weeks. I want to be at home but I don't want to be by myself. I want to go out but don't want to go out alone. I don't know what it is. If people are here I'm fine. If I'm somewhere with someone I'm fine. If I'm here alone, headache. If I'm out alone, headache. Is it really the pain of loneliness? Or the stress I'm mounting on myself of every thing I need to be doing and being here alone just allows me to be reminded of that stress and those things?
I've never been one who likes to be a loner even though through high school, middle school, and elementary school I always felt that way. Honestly, if it wouldn't of been for my church friends and my cousins I would of really been a loner. I guess now that I've gotten older I still feel like that. Sometimes it feels like everyone around me has someone and I'm still alone. And I'm not just referring to a relationship. It has nothing to do with that. I mean they all just have someone there. I spend work in a quiet office with no one hardly ever there and then I come home to an empty apartment. It seems like I go days without human interaction. And everyone wonders why I always wanna be doing something with someone... who would want to come home to an apartment everyday and go to a solo job every morning? Maybe I need a dog....
This is just ramble of my emotions at the moment. It's not that moment of doubt, just that moment of needing to remind myself I really am not alone ( i have friends their all just busy, i have family but they have lives too), I do have something to look forward to in life (God has a plan for me, its just not going on my time and I need to work more on my patience), and I don't need pity (trust me, I don't want anyone helping me drag this out haha). I just need a few seconds for my spat of feelings then move on with everything. Only if the pain in my neck would go with it... literally.
So seriously head/neck ache....GO AWAY!!!!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
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